Silver Ribbon

from TheBloggess.com by Jenny the bloggess 

“When depression sufferers fight, recover and go into remission we seldom even know, simply because so many suffer in the dark…ashamed to admit something they see as a personal weakness…afraid that people will worry, and more afraid that they won’t.  We find ourselves unable to do anything but cling to the couch and force ourselves to breathe.

When you come out of the grips of a depression there is an incredible relief, but not one you feel allowed to celebrate.  Instead, the feeling of victory is replaced with anxiety that it will happen again, and with shame and vulnerability when you see how your illness affected your family, your work, everything left untouched while you struggled to survive.  We come back to life thinner, paler, weaker…but as survivors.  Survivors who don’t get pats on the back from coworkers who congratulate them on making it.  Survivors who wake to more work than before because their friends and family are exhausted from helping them fight a battle they may not even understand.”

The Bloggess happened to post this at a time when I’m trying to come out of my own “funk”. I call it “a funk” because calling it what is it would be to admit defeat. You see, I haven’t gone to therapy in about a month because last time I went, I really didn’t have anything to talk about. I’ve worked through the most pressing things and have developed self-coping devices to help when I feel anxious. But then, out of nowhere, the Big D hit me. It started with A Day. One little blip sent me over the edge and I was moody the rest of the day. And the next. And the next. And so on and so on and so on.

In trying to figure out the “Cause” for my funk, I’ve reached the conclusion that if I knew what was wrong, I wouldn’t be here. I would address the problem and fix it and all would be well. Unfortunately, The Big D needs no single cause. I should be riding high right now. I got straight A’s my first semester back at school in over 10 years (the first straight A report card since 8th or 9th grade.). My kids have been over the moon good. My husband has been the same wonderfully supportive man who bends over backwards to keep my fragile ego secure. My year-end review at work went oh so very well. Speaking of work, I wow’ed everyone at our big departmental meeting a few weeks ago. Everything is going my way. But I’m sad.

Last Friday I attended a Yin Yoga session led by my dearest Tatum which helped me so much I wanted to hug and hug her and sob on her shoulder because words could not express how much I needed it and how thankful I was to her for giving it. By Saturday? Back to business as usual. “Usual” being the Big D, which is not a fun Usual, as you might expect.

What the hell, self? Snap out of it already!

But I can’t.

So here I am again. Reminding myself (again) to take my damn medication EVERY DAY, TWICE A DAY because without it I become someone that I don’t like. I snap at my babies. I don’t feel like working. I don’t feel like eating. I can’t sleep. All I want to do is sleep (which makes for a super fun vicious cycle, let me tell you.). I don’t want to go out but then feel left out when I stay home. I question my sanity because what person in her right mind that has every single aspect of her work/life balance in, well, perfect balance would be depressed? If this sounds familiar, it should because I went through this same damn thing a few months ago. You’d think I would’ve learned after my last bout.

All of this to say to my children who may or may not read this in the future and wonder why their mother stopped documenting all the fun and amazing stories of their childhood: I’m sorry. It’s not you. It’s me. Thank you for being the awesome children that you are and know that even when I was in the throes of Depression, I loved you and appreciated everything that you are. Particularly the incredibly well-timed hugs you both throw my way.

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2 Responses

  1. Mental illness is a tricky, frustrating thing to deal with. I’ve never had the big D (Thank the Gods.), but I’ve been around and dated several people who have, and I have my own issues to deal with thus I understand how hard it can be at times. It’s so easy to give in but then, as you said, you become a person that you don’t like.

    Do you feel like the medication is really helping? Maybe a switch of prescription might be a better alternative? It’s always tough to say, of course, because it takes a while of habitual use before it truly becomes effective and the slightest change in that routine can destroy your progress, particularly with depression. Sometimes though, it’s just a matter of realizing what works for you and what doesn’t. Continuing your therapy visits is probably the best option for determining that.

    I really hope that you can get it figured out. I have family members who have similar issues and I know that it can be hard at times to feel connected to your children, spouse or anything in life when you’re struggling against something so monumental in your mind, and they are what’s truly important.

    If you ever need anyone to talk to, vent to, or just bitch about things to, I’m always here via email, text, or phone! I keep many people’s secrets and have dealt with a lot of shit so I have a pretty good store of random advice on random things. 😀

  2. Thank you, Drayke 🙂

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