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Small Victories

This will be quick because I discovered RuPaul’s Drag Race on Netflix watch instantly and I must get back to the fabulousness.

Today I went to a Clothing Exchange at a friend’s house. A bunch of women bring clothes they no longer wear but are in good condition and take what they want of others’. It’s awesome. This friend is the partner of a friend of my husband’s. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m friends with both of them, too, it’s just that, well, never mind, it’s not important. Well, yes it is. So let me try again. I’ve only hung out with this particular woman in either a group setting or with my husband and her boyfriend. I had originally RSVP’d “maybe” and she came up to me at a wedding reception a couple weeks ago and asked what she needed to do to change my “maybe” to a “yes.” I came clean: “Ok, here’s the thing. I have some social anxiety issues that are getting better but I’m still working through them. I do want to go but I can’t say for sure how I’ll be feeling that day.” She was totally understanding about it and let it go.

Then I kept thinking about that over the next week and what a lame bullshit response that was. If I didn’t go to this thing that I genuinely wanted to go to, I would end up depressed because I didn’t go. I would let the anxiety win. Was I really that weak?

So I changed my rsvp to “Yes” and my friend was super happy!

I won’t get into my other issues (oh the many issues inside Marcoda’s brain!) but let’s just say that her asking me point blank what she needed to do to get me there and then her excitement at my deciding to come gave me an ego boost I guess I needed.

So! Today I went to a party where I would only know two people. I wouldn’t have my go-to crutches of my husband or my best friends. And I was excited. Especially when I walked through the door and the first person I see is not EITHER of the two I was expecting but a different friend that, again, I’ve only hung out with when my husband was there. And she called over to another friend, “Hey, look! We have a Bingmar!” (these two have an odd infatuation with our family in a completely harmless way. I think it’s harmless…). And they both hugged me. I put all my clothes in their respective piles and dove in. I chatted with people whose names I wouldn’t have known if not for the name tag. I complimented women on their choice of clothing when they held it up for size and color checks. Sure, they didn’t ask but we were all commenting on things and it felt natural to chime in. I casually mentioned to the hostess that coming today was a minor victory and she smiled and congratulated me.

I left with many new items of clothing (and two kick-ass purses) but the biggest thing I took away was a sense of pride I haven’t known. This wasn’t work, this wasn’t motherhood. This was me. Just me.

And THEN! I RSVP’d to an invitation Jaden got to a birthday party and talked the girl’s mom, not voice mail, and didn’t choke or panic.

Y’know what? Screw it. This wasn’t a small victory. It was a big fucking victory and I’m damn proud of it.


7 Responses

  1. I know exactly this feeling so well. I’ve recently started medication to begin dealing with some other issues and this has bled over into helping me deal with my social anxiety issues, but even still it is hard. It’s so much easier to just stay here at home where my things are, where everything is familiar. I always have a fantastic time when I do go out, but getting that far is a serious uphill battle.

    You are most certainly not alone in the way that you’re feeling.

  2. That is awesome! And you’re right, that is a huge fucking (and ducking) accomplishment! You should be really proud because things like that are HARD, and sometimes it’s even harder to come clean and tell someone that it’s an issue. You did both. Very awesome.

  3. Yay you! And what fun! Free new clothes! What a great idea!

  4. I’m very proud of you. I have those same issues a lot, but it honestly never occurred to me to tell someone…although my husband has long since figured it out. I never talked with anyone about it because I always just figured I was strange. The older I get the more I realize a lot of things I’ve been insecure about because I thought they were so strange are actually pretty normal, and that makes them way easier to deal with : )

  5. It amazes me how “normal” this really is! I thought I was strange, too. Accepting it as part of who I am but learning to recognize when I can fight it feels really good. Yay, all of us insecurely anxious people!!

  6. By the way, how was Drag Race? I’m not sure if it sounds scary or fascinating…

  7. Dude, it’s fracking AWESOME!!! Part Project Runway, part America’s Next Top Model, part Survivor WITH DRAG QUEENS!!!! Seriously, brilliant. Also, I love RuPaul.

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