Jagged little pill

Last year before we left for Europe, like several months before, I finally owned up to the fact that my social anxiety could no longer be attributed to “quirky shyness”. My anxiety also comes with a best friend who’s named Depression. They’re both selfish bitches. Neither of them understands that the world does not revolve around them and sometimes the host body needs to, y’know, socialize. When I confessed to a friend that I was worrying about my level of worry and whether other people worry this much and maybe I’m just over-reacting but what if my level of worry is higher than others and I’m ignoring a Bigger Problem, she kindly responded, “Yeah, you need drugs.”

I went to a couple therapy sessions that helped get me on the plane to Europe but, frankly, I didn’t really learn that much. I know how to talk myself back into reality when I find myself slipping. I suspected it was the pills that did most of the work.

Well, guess what! It has been confirmed! These past few weeks I forgot to take one of the two daily doses a few times. I thought, “Oh, it’s just one pill. I’m sure the other one can pick up the slack. I’m fine.” Last week my prescription ran out altogether and I didn’t get it filled until two days ago. “Oh, it’s just a few days. I’ll be fine.” I went about a week without these little pills and Hello, Darkness, my old friend! The past few weeks I’ve found myself snapping at my husband, short with the children, and shrinking from social events. Not all social events. That’s the fun part: who knows when I’m going to be struck by the “No, please, go without me, I’m just going to sit at home in my jammies and read” bug? Sure as hell not me!

So, yeah, pills+me=BFF

I’m not exactly thrilled about this. No one wants to have to remember to take pills every day (see: IUD) but no one wants to sit at home in their little cocoon all the time either. Ok, yeah, I do want that. But I also want to be able to go out with my actual real life human BFF without stressing over the decision of “Should I or shouldn’t I go?” It’s a simple question and I have no real reason for not going out other than those selfish bitches that have set up roost in my little brain. Every other day I see my husband going out with his friends and it baffles me how he does it. I’ve agonized for three days over whether or not I should take advantage of a free sitter and a night out with a friend. He doesn’t hesitate any longer than it takes to ask me if I had any plans. I never do but he always asks me.

And I so want to have plans.


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