How you NEVER want to be woken up

Last Friday I got a call at work from my MIL:

“I need to tell you something.”

“What?” (Internal: OMG!! WHAT HAPPENED? ARE THE KIDS OK? DID THEY PUSH YOU OVER THE EDGE? ARE YOU OFFICIALLY QUITTING THE CHILDCARE GIG? The human thought process is surprisingly fast.)

“Jaden just ran into the office saying, ‘Gramma! Gramma! Jonas (internal (again, surprisingly fast): OMG, JONAS HURT HIMSELF!) took off his diaper and is sitting on the potty!’”

“What??”

“I went to check and sure enough, he’s sitting on the toilet without a diaper. All by himself. I got a picture.”

My son, who follows me into the bathroom every morning to sit on his potty and NEVER takes off his pants, let alone his diaper,  and who REFUSES to even consider sitting on the actual toilet (that’s equipped with a child-size seat), took off his pants AND his diaper AND climbed up onto the big toilet AND went potty. He then played musical potty seats with my niece.

This seriously came out of nowhere. But much like most big steps in his life, he did this when he was good and ready. And, like most steps in MY life, I wanted to jump head first after him and get this potty training thing done.

All weekend I asked him if he wanted to go potty.

“No, potty gramma’s house.”

“We have one here. We have two!”

I asked him if he wanted to wear underpants.

“No, diaper.”

I asked him if he wanted to run around naked to air out a bit after a long over-due diaper change. Finally convinced him of that and got a lot of butt wagging and “Wiggle wiggle wiggle *fits of giggling*” in return. We did get a pair of plain white training pants I’d picked up last month on him and he ran around in those Saturday night while I tried to hide my “OMG! He’s so cute!”s.

Sunday morning came and with it a nice dry diaper. I asked Jonas if he wanted to sit on the potty; he said no. I bribed him with m&m’s and he dutifully sat on the potty and piddled the tiniest bit. I told him no m&m’s unless he goes potty all the way. He got up and I pulled his underpants up.

He and Jaden played in the living room while I googled “toddler underpants”. Then Jonas starts asking where his narbos are.

“They’re in sissy’s room.”

He shakes his head, “No sissy narbos. My BIG narbo.”

“OH! Is it downstairs?”

 “Yeah!”

“Well, go get it…”

He runs away and comes back a short while later.

“Did you find your marble?”

“No, wet.”

“What?”

“Want diaper.”

“What?”

“Wet. Pants wet. Diaper.”

“You want to put a diaper on?”

“Yeah, wet.”

THEN I realize what he’s trying to tell me. “Oh, did you wet your underpants?”

“Yeah, wet. Over ‘der.”

“Can you show me?” He brings me to the entryway and I see that, yes, in fact, he has peed all over the floor. No worries. I’ve clean up so many Daisy accidents, and let us not forget the many Jaden potty training issues, that this doesn’t faze me. I clean up Jonas (he declines to sit on the potty) and the mess and, yes, put a diaper on him and get him dressed.

I then tag Matt in because I need a nap.

Half an hour later, I wake up hearing, “ARE YOU PAINTING WITH YOUR POOP??”

I must be dreaming.

“OH, GOD! JONAS! IT’S EVERYWHERE!”

Dreaming dreaming dreaming

“Sweetie, I hate to wake you up but could you help me? Jonas painted with his poop in Jaden’s room. I swear, he was alone for two minutes.”

Oh good lord. It’s real.

“Where is he now?” I ask groggily throwing the blankets off of me and stumbling to my feet.

“He’s in the bathtub. Do you want to clean him or the room?”

I chose the fecal artist. His legs are covered in what looks like melted chocolate. It’s all over his hands which he is now using to try to turn the water on. I won’t get into details, but he got cleaned. As the boy is being cleaned, I hear from the room clean up the following:

“Oh god! It’s on her comforter!”

“Oh, god! It’s in her craft box!”

“Oh, god! Daisy!! Daisy’s eating it! Oh, god, that’s so disgusting.” (I look up to see Matt looking at Daisy and gagging.)

****

And that is how the first official weekend of Jonas’ potty training went and how Jonas ended up getting two baths in one morning.

My boss said some guy got a huge grant for fecal art. I say people who gave the money should’ve given US the money because our kid is OBVIOUSLY a budding artistic savant.

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2 Responses

  1. OMG! Thank you thank you and thank you for sharing the story. How dare you stop blogging for a year! I laughed myself stupid. There were tears in my eyes and my little one came upstairs “why you laughing mommy”. Yup, I was that loud. Awesome. Even more awesome because it wasn’t me. HAH!

  2. So funny!!! But I was totally expecting cute naked, baby butt pictures (hint hint)– pre-poo-explosion, that is. I have many such pictures for future torment of my son.

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