Damn Dirty Grease

My plans tonight included dinner, time with the kids, and some mindless effing around on the internetwebplacething.

Then I had lunch. Lunch consisted of Jess and I each buying two sidekickers from Arby’s then sharing. Halfway through the “meal” my chest started to hurt. By the time I gave up, I was craving fresh vegetables. Man that was a lot of grease.

Tweaking my plans a bit, I dropped the boys off at home and Jaden and I headed to Target to get some produce, milk, and cottage cheese. I also picked up some super yummy looking frozen appetizer things. While we were heading back to the check out Jaden informed me she had to go to the bathroom. I challenged her by paying for the groceries first.

This was where my evening took a turn for the Stressful.

After paying for the groceries (1 bag and 1 gallon of milk=$25 and change) I asked the cashier if I could leave my purchases at the register while I brought my incredibly well behaved (and adorably dressed in an outfit of her own design: purple leggings, navy blue t-shirt with a red-white-blue sparly star, denim overall-skirt, topped off with a Valentines themed sweater hoodie and winter boots) to the bathroom just 20 feet away.

Jaden was a champ and we were in and out in three and a half minutes.

To find our groceries…not there at all. I looked around the register to see if they were hidden somewhere. The cashier looked confused when I asked her where my bag was.

“I asked if I could leave them here and you said yes?”

She looks all confused and goes off in search of the previous customer who must’ve grabbed my bag by mistake. She’s an older woman and not much in the way of brains. A CSR type person comes over to assist and says it’s store policy not to watch purchased items. In short: once it’s paid for, they no longer claim responsibility for said items. In even more shorter terms: I’m screwed.

Looking very much the distraught young-ish mother with the youngh child who’s out $25 and change worth of groceries I explained that I’d asked the ditz of a cashier if I could set them there while I brought my child to the bathroom and she said it was ok. There was a very strong undertone of, “look, lady, it’s not my fault your moronic employee couldn’t either a) tell me the store’s policy or b) watch one fricken gallon of milk and one friggen bag of produce for three flipping minutes. I don’t know how long I stood there re-explaining myself while Jaden was continuing her performance of a perfect little girl but eventually I was given the go-ahead to “re-shop” and come back to the check out.

Off Jaden and I trecked:

“Where are we going, mommy?”

“We’re going to go get our food again.”

“Where did our groceries go?”

“Somebody accidentally took them.”

Gently takes my hand. “We’re going to get our groceries again in no time, mommy. Don’t worry.”

“Thank you, sweetie. You have a much better attitude than I do right now. I really appreciate it.”

At one point I heard her say, “We’re on our way.” and muttering some more into her closed fist.

“What are you doing?”

“Talking to my news reporter.”

“Your news reporter?”

“Yea! She’s my friend too. Me, Mimi, and my news reporter. We’re all friends!”

“That’s great, sweetie.”

We head back to the check out and the CSR rings me up and it’s suddenly, magically $5 more this time. Oh, the back and forth and the not knowing how it could have a $5 difference and my suggesting that maybe Ditzy Cashier forgot to ring up one of the appetizer things because, look at that! They’re all $4.99.

Whatever. CSR lady is obviously so over this whole situation and calls it square. Jaden puts all the check out toys back and we leave.

We get home and I clunk Jaden in the head with the car door. Not on purpose! I felt terrible but Jaden got to use an ice pack for a real reason this time. Whoo!

Fast foreward a bit and now Jaden and I are munching on veggies and I look over to see Jaden holding a baby carrot in her hand like a cigarette.

Like. A. Cigarette.

“Jaden, why are you holding your carrot like that?”

“Because that’s how people blow smoke out of their mouth.”



“Where did you see that?”

“At gramma’s house.”

“…where at gramma’s house?”

“I don’t know.”

Then she puts the carrot in her mouth, takes it back out, and blows.

“Jaden, don’t do that, ok? Blowing smoke out of your mouth will make you very very sick.”


“And hold it normal, ok?”


“Here. Eat your other carrots.”

And off I went to call MIL after I called Matt to let him know. MIL and Matt were both shocked. There are all kinds of possibilities as to where she saw this. Everything from 101 Dalmations to a magazine to a commercial to the cabin where cigars were smoked. I wasn’t accusing anyone; I was just putting everyone on alert to what the kids are watching.

Really, though? I wasn’t expecting to have the “don’t smoke” talk for a few more years.

I would like to think I handled it well though. I didn’t freak out. I didn’t yell. I kept it simple because I really didn’t even know how to begin explaining emphazema or lung cancer or trake boxes so “really sick” was the best I could do.

It’s all hitting me right now that this will not be the first time I have this talk. Not even close. What the hell? I mean, shit. “I didn’t expect to have the no smoking talk for a few years.” What’s a few years? Look how fast the last “few” went.  Gah! It’s happening too fast. Stop the parenting roller coaster I want to get off!

Ah, hell no I don’t. These talks were part of why I wanted to have kids. Well, not the “why” but they were part of the fantasy: Sitting down with the kids, having these “this is bad and this is good but it’s not always so black and white and you’ll have to figure out the grey for yourself.” talks. But she was always older in these fantasies. I don’t know how old or even what she looked like but just…older.

Sunday morning, her godfather, Kevin, made her a monster pancake:


And she loved it.


Because she’s a little girl.

I want her to stay that way forever. Is that so wrong?


6 Responses

  1. My god, Jaden is looking so old and so much like you!

    And wow, the rest of the day sounds like…fun? Darn ditsy Target lady! But karmatic kudos for not sneaking a new blender or something in during your second “shopping trip”.

    Wait, you totally could have gotten a new blender!

  2. that is such a look you make….really 🙂 i am so jealous of all these woman who have children that look like THEM…cuz all i get is Tyson’s butt chin and thats it.

    and yes you are right, that is the first of many “talks” ….and they do grow up fast, did i tell you amaya googled “how to tell if a boy loves you when your 8”?


    When the boys are on Pleasure Island they’re smoking cigars and playing pool. Pinocchio does get sick but ,apparently, Jaden missed that part.

  4. It’s so hard to pick and choose the right answers to all the different ‘the talks” you have to do. I’ve had to answer questions WAY earlier than I thought I would and it’s very tempting to say “Come back when you’re a teenager!”

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