Love Hurts

When I was little I would ask my mom for something and she’d say no and I’d ask why. “Because I’m mean. I’m a mean mom.” I haven’t used it on my kids yet but I’m using it on you: “You will have ‘Love Hurts’ in your head because I’m mean. I’m a mean blogger.”

I’ve been feeling…things lately and I feel like I need to get these things out. Not looking for any validation of these feelings or any, “I know how you feel,” because, no offense, nobody knows how anybody else feels. I’m also not looking for any suggestions involving “put down the lap top.” If you want to give me a, “hey, I can empathize” comment or want to share your own story, I’ll gladly accept it.

Now, without further ado, I give you a data dump of emotions and confessions. Bullet-style:

  • I love my children so much that just looking at their picture at my desk makes my heart ache.
  • When I get home, as much as I miss the kids, sometimes I wish it was bedtime.
  • Sometimes I can’t stop hugging my kids or my husband.
  • Frustrated isn’t a strong enough word for how small I feel hearing about other children’s accomplishments and knowing my kid could be just as awesome or smart if I had more time and/or more money. And then I wonder if that’s true and feel even smaller.
  • Dammit, my kid is smart and she is awesome and it’s not right for me or anyone else to compare her with others.
  • But I can’t help it. Not when it’s shoved in my face nearly every day.
  • I worry about my little boy and what comparisons will be thrown at him.
  • Dammit, my kid is smart and he is awesome and it’s not right for me or anyone else to compare him with others.
  • I haven’t been the best wife. I expect things from my husband that I don’t do myself (i.e. taking care of the house.). I hate myself for carrying double standards and am working to fix it.
  • I’m supposed to be working right now but I can’t stop thinking about my kids or being frustrated with myself for not speaking up like I should.
  • I spend too much time on my laptop.
  • I feel like I’ve been drinking too much wine even though I’m not.
  • I feel like an ass for being all obnoxious lately. I feel like I’ve crossed some invisible line between “funny fake egotistic” and “over the top, shut up, you’re not as awesome as you pretend to think you are and every one knows you’re hiding what you really are.”

And thus the viscious cycle of self loathing renews itself.

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8 Responses

  1. Hugs! I hear you.

  2. so wait …am i allowed to comment? just no advise right? ….empathetic story?

    …..i’ve been poor my whole life and Amaya never had preschool…i always felt she had “potential” but by not having $$ to put her through preschool did i f*** up her chances at becoming the next female brain surgeon—PISHAW in your face $$$ cuz my braniac daughter is in High Po reading and math! BOOYEAH…

    and you are awesome….i’m sticking my tongue out at your awesomeness right now just so you know!

  3. Hey, at least you’re brave enough to venture into the land of two kids, hubby, and an awesome house, plus kitties. I envy you every day and persist that the wine drinking continues. I’ve actually gotten to spend some time with you and your wine!

  4. I just have to say more. I think one of the most distasteful things I’ve encountered as a mom is mom’s comparing their kids to one another. It is horrible. Every child develops at their own pace, whether they are in pre-school, home day care, or with a state-at-home parent. Being a mom is hard enough without the mommy competition stupidity. You have to make the choices that work best for your family and stand by them. If I’m ever one of those people who does the comparison thing, please feel free to give me a virtual slap upside the head. As parents, we need to stand by one another, not bolster our own egos by tearing apart others. Hang in there.

  5. Well thanks, I now not only have Love Hurts in my head, but I also really want to watch The Wedding Singer and I can’t find it.

    Somehow, SOMEHOW, you are there for your kids completely, while also being there for your husband, for your mother, for your siblings, for your friends, for your work. My god, the world expects way more from you than it has any right to, and yet you not only keep up, you do an amazing job. I don’t know how you do it, and do such a damn good job, but you do.

    Please don’t be so hard on yourself (I know, that’s a hard thing to ask) because you have no reason to be, and you have a whole group of people (Jaden and Jonas included) who know you’re doing an incredible job. And although there are people out there who are saying stupid things, I doubt you’d be able to find a single person who knows you that thinks you’re anything less than amazing.

    And the whole “obnoxious” thing makes me giggle because you are the least obnoxious person I know. I know when you’re having a bad day (days) and you’re already feeling down that sometimes everything seems crappy, yourself included (my god, don’t I deal with this all the time). But trust me, as a person who spends a lot of time with you, you are NOT obnoxious. And you do not come off as egotistical. No one thnks that, so please don’t add that worry onto your already crowded plate of crap to worry about.

  6. Oh awesome. Not only do I have Love Hurts in my head, but I have the version sung in the musical episode of That 70s Show. Great. You mean, mean blogger.

    Ha! Totally listening to Love Hurts now. I love my laptop.

  7. fyi…being worried and stressed give you grey hairs…i’ve pulled out several 😦

  8. You guys are all wonderful. I love every single one of you.

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