The inspiration generator gets unintentionally heavy

I needed some help with ideas for today’s post. You see I’m trying to get past the usual “My kids are awesome and yet they drive me nuts” aspect of The Mom Blog and get inside my head a little bit. Using a nifty tool a dear friend sent me I went in search of inspiration. Clicking until I found one that struck my fancy this morning, I skipped past “Tell us about your father” and a bunch of others and eventually gave up on the whole thing. Then this afternoon I tried again.

“Write a letter to someone you need to forgive.”

This gave me pause. It ties in a little too well with the whole “tell us about your dad” thing. I took the hint and here we are.

I’m not going to tell you about my father and I’m not going to forgive him. Instead I need to dwell on “forgiveness”. You see, I’ve thought about writing a letter to him and telling him exactly why I’ve chosen not to speak with him these past few years and why I withheld the knowledge of both my pregnancies from him and why I didn’t allow him to hold my daughter the first time he met her and why he’ll never meet her again or my son (at least in the foreseeable future for who am I to pretend to know the far future?) and why he’s lost the respect of three out of four daughters and why he never had the respect of the one potential son he ever could have and why he lost the one wife and subesequent family that could ever have made him happy.

But I can’t. For one, he really is too stupid to understand. Instead of taking everything I had to say and turning it into a true heart to heart conversation with his first born where healing could begin for everyone, he would lash out and waste the opportunity with a lot of immature name calling. And for two, we’re all a lot better off without him.

I could forgive him. But I can’t. Even though we all have a better life because he’s not in the picture fully, he’s still in it enough to fuck with our lives and he’s not learning from past mistakes. It’s like I tell my own daughter: Saying sorry doesn’t mean anything if you keep doing the thing you’re appologizing for. Besides, he’s never said he’s sorry. And he never will.

I could forgive him for my own peace of mind but I’m not going to. It’s my own little spiteful revenge on him. And that gives me all the peace of mind I need.

It’s a given understanding in society that people often seek out partners that reflect their own image of their father or mother. It’s also considered a given that those from a broken home continue the cycle in their own homes. I refused to continue the cycle. Instead, I’ve sought out the complete opposite. It has been my goal for my husband and for my children’s father to be the complete opposite of what I had growing up and give my family the one thing I never had. That opposite trait can be described in one word: Stability. That’s not to say I’m willing to give up love in order to have that stability or that I’m willing to look the other way. With Matt I don’t have to give up anything.

Funny, what started as a reflection on my relationship (or lack of one) with my father and could’ve ended up being really depressing for me turned out to be a reflection on my husband. He respects me, he loves me, he makes me laugh, he’s a good father, he challenges me and never lets me give up, he protects me.

He’s perfect for me.

Soulmates

Soulmates

Next time on “Marcoda Gets Real”: Marcoda reflects on her time at the woman’s shelter with her mom and little brother. With hilarious results!

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One Response

  1. I believe that sometimes the best thing to do is just get on with life and not dwell on what’s happened in the past. Too often people allow the past to get in the way of their lives so much it can taint the goodness around them. People like that don’t even SEE what they have and how lucky they are!

    I applaud you for not allowing whatever it is your father’s done or not done in the past, to get in the way of who you are. Well, besides the fact that you were drawn to a man who obviously has oodles of qualities your Dad did not. Sounds like you bagged yourself a good one there, go Matt 🙂

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