Flashback to 1 year ago

HA! I ventured over to Myspace today for the first time since….May or something. I took a look at my old blog and came across this gem. I’ve copied and pasted it here with no editing whatsoever. The first sentence is a very very good warning to those of you with weak constitutions:

First off, I’ll start by saying if you don’t want to hear about my sex life, stop reading now. That is your one and only warning. Second, marriage is the best aphrodisiac. Matt and I haven’t humped like this since we first started humping. I find myself more attracted to him now than ever before. Not that I ever didn’t, I’m just saying….this last week has been good. Now, that said, you’ll understand the urgency I felt when I sent him a text eluding to the fact that he’d be getting some as soon as the kid was in bed. Yes, when you have children, sex is a timed and planned thing. On the rare occasions that the kid isn’t at home, afternoon sex becomes the best treat in the world. All you parents are nodding and smiling that knowing smile, the rest of you are thinking, “How sad.” Anyway, Matt comes home around the time I’m laying in bed with Jaden trying to get her to fall asleep. Eventually, she’s dozing and I come out in the living room where Matt and I watch a couple episodes of this hilarious show, Lucky Louie, recommended to us by a dear friend. This will be known later that night as the moment we ignored opportunity knocking. We wasted a good 45 minutes NOT having sex.

We decide to head to bed. After some small talk we get down to business. Nothing special just giggling and kissing like we’re 16 or something. Then we hear the inevitable squawk from down the hall. Matt turns to me and says, “Should we take care of this now?” I nod and we both get up and go try to calm the two year old down. After the first try, I take over baby duties. Curse of the mommy: baby usually only wants you when they can’t sleep. The next 15 minutes are spent laying quietly next to Jaden until she falls asleep, then performing great acrobatic feats and displaying flexibility gymnasts dream of as I launch myself off her bed and nimbly make my way across the room, avoiding any creaking floor boards, and tip toeing into our room again, kiss Matt and then head back into Jaden’s room to start the whole escapade over again.

Finally, I see the opportunity. Jaden’s snoring. I perform my acrobatics one final time and race into our room and leap into bed. “I don’t know how much time we have,” I whisper fiercely, “Let’s do this now. Quick!” Matt looks amused and says, “How do you know she won’t wake up?” “I don’t!” I respond already diving under the covers a la’ Sims, “C’mon!”

Without too many details, we go at it. And it’s good. And has the potential of being really good. Then, as we’re hot and heavy and working our way to the goal, we hear it. The slam of a bedroom door opening. Not ours. Jaden’s. Which means we have about 10 seconds until she reaches our room. We freeze and just stare at the door, Matt rather awkwardly looking over his shoulder. Then we look at each other. 5 seconds to go and I whisper hoarsely and not so gently at Matt, “Getoutgetoutgetout!!!”. He performs his own acrobatic feat and rolls off to his side of the bed just as our door slams open and Jaden comes pattering over. Now remember, I’m naked in the semi-dark and not wearing my glasses so I need a couple seconds to find my underwear while not coming out from under the covers. So I say in as calm a voice as I can muster, “Sweetie, go lay down in your room and mama will be right there.” Even as I say it, I know it’s a long shot and sure enough Jaden collapses to the floor, Jo-Jo blanket and heffalump falling beside her, and dissolves into tears. “No, lay mama daddy’s room!” Matt meanwhile is trying his damnedest to stay covered whilst not letting the blankets touch a certain part of his anatomy. I quickly recover with a, “Ok, ok, hold on, sweetie. Mama needs to…do something.” And I reach blindly over the side of the bed to feel for my discarded panties. Ok, I’ve had sex in numerous places and numerous situations and I have NEVER had a harder time getting those damn underpants right side out. I finally got the retched things on only to discover they’re backwards. At this point Matt and I are both laughing and yes, Jaden’s still sitting on the floor crying. So, I get the damn panties on the right way and then I realize that even though I was the kid’s sole source of nutrition at one point, we’re past the age of her seeing my bare bosoms. And, again, no glasses, semi-dark room. So in a final desperate act I ask Jaden, “Sweetie, can you hand mommy her shirt?”
No, she can’t, so deep is her despair at not laying in mommy-daddy’s bed and failure to understand why. Throwing caution to the wind, I lunge for something that looks shirt-like and strike gold. (Ha. Take that “cleaning my room”, mom!)
I get Jaden to sleep. Yes, it happens at long last. Perhaps she sensed my lost urgency to get the hell out of her room. I knew it was a loss so I just lay with her until she really was asleep, and stayed another ten minutes before heading back to bed. The lights are now off and Matt’s practically asleep. I crawl next to him and lay comfortably in the crook of his arm. We’re quiet for a minute then start laughing quietly.

Then my husband whispers in a most gentle and amused voice:

“Little cock blocker.”

For those of you who don’t have kids, this will happen. Those of you with kids, if it hasn’t happened, it will. Have fun!

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One Response

  1. hehe…i remember this….oh boy can i relate 😛

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