So many neurosis, so little time

In less than 13 hours I will have my water broken and start this whole labor thing for the second time. I’m scared. Scared and worried. Along with the usual fears that something will “go wrong” during labor, I’m also worried about what life will be like once he’s home and we begin our new lives as a family of four.

With Jaden I was scared financially. I can’t tell you how many freak out moments I had in the bathroom (I do a lot of soul searching in restroom stalls, can you tell?) wondering how the heck we were going to make it. But we did. So I figure if we did it before, we’ll do it again. No worries there. Funny thing is I didn’t worry too much about what a huge life change having a baby would bring. I knew Matt and I would be good parents who fucked up sometimes but everything as a whole would work out wonderfully.

Luckily, it did.  We have a great family; ones that’s full of love, humor, music and nice healthy helpings of tantrums from each member. I guess I’m worried that bringing another person into the mix will mess up our flow. I mean, of course the “flow” is going to be interrupted but it will fix itself, right?

It’s not fair to Nibbler that I’m hoisting all these worries and whatnot on his tiny little shoulders. I know it’s not. I’m like this with everything. When I get comfortable, I don’t like things coming along and messing it up. Mostly with people. Groups of friends and even employees at work. Whenever a new employee is hired, I’m stand offish wondering how they’re going to “fit in” and will I like them. God I’m a snob. But we’ve gone over my social ineptitudes before. (I’m so proud of being able to use such a big word right now!)

Last night was my last “bedtime” with just Jaden and as I watched her fall asleep I cried. I’m so going to miss it just being the three of us.  I’m going to miss our one on one times. It’s silly because Matt and I already discussed making sure we all have one on one time with each other. But it won’t be the same. See? I can deal with physical change (new home, anyone) way better than I can deal with social change.

Digging deeper into my thoughts and emotions I think it comes down to the Unknown. I don’t know what Nibbler’s personality will be like. Jaden is SO a mixture of Matt and me and we all mesh so well. What if Nibbler doesn’t? I hate to even utter this but what if I don’t like him. God knows I love him, he’s my son for crying out loud. A normal fear and worry but I’ve heard my own mother say these words: “Lord knows I love your brother but god, sometimes I just don’t like him.” This was during some turbulent times in our family’s history and I understand why she felt that way and it’s a completely honest statement. But it scares me to death that I will ever have those thoughts about my own kids. I want to like them and I want them to like me.

Just last night Jaden, Matt and I were sitting on the couch watching a movie and out of nowhere Jaden wraps her arm around my shoulder, looks at me and says, “I yike you, mommy. You’re marbelous.” My heart swelled and I told her I like her too. Who knew “I like you” could sometimes mean more than “I love you”?

This is one of the most disjointed entries I’ve ever written. Let me sum up:

I’m nervous and scared and worried and SO DAMN EXCITED for tomorrow. I’ve got to get over myself and be happy for the fact that we’re going to be an awesome family of four now. I mean, we did such a great job with the first one, why the hell am I stressing about the second? Good lord, Marcoda, you’re a mental case. Go rest up and have your baby boy.

To my readers, as soon as we can get an internet connection I’ll have someone post the announcement here for you all.

Wish us a speedy and safe delivery. And for old times sake: “Holy shit! We’re having a baby!”


2 Responses

  1. Right now, you’re in labor. I’m squirming just thinking about it. I’m sending you and your family ALL MY LOVE.

  2. Do I hear the pitter patter of little feet? Toots already told me he has joined us, but I’m waiting (and waiting and waiting and waiting…what are you busy or something?!) for details from you! Congrats!

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