The Final Countdown

(and now I want to watch Arrested Development)


As of today I have 11 days until my “official” due date of August 11 and 4 days until the week 39 “check”. Which one of these dates will bring me my baby? Let’s recap yesterday’s doctor’s appointment and find out shall we? Yes, we shall.


Matt and I arrived at the doctor’s office 30 minutes early due to my ever present fear of being late for anything. He settled down in a waiting room chair playing games on his ipod while I paced the waiting room trying to keep the contractions I’d been experiencing for the last two hours coming strong. Oh and trying not to wet myself. Lordy how I had to pee.


Matt: “Why don’t you just go to the bathroom?”

Marcoda: “The door is shut. If it were open I’d go right in and use the restroom. The closed door is very uninviting. They should just put a sign on it that says, ‘All preggies stay out. No admittance. We will tell you when you can pee. Keep pacing and don’t wet the floor.”

Matt: “Avoid the void.”

Marcoda: “Exactly.”


There was another woman with her whole family in the waiting room filling out some forms and I assumed she was there for her 6 week post-partum evaluation. She was not afraid of the Closed Door and went right in and used the rest room.


Matt: “Guess that answers your question.”

Marcoda: “Guess so.”

Inside, however, I was still afraid to break the barrier. Eventually I couldn’t take it and declared, “That’s it. I’m going in.” Acting all bad ass, I opened the door ever so quietly then waddled as fast as I could trying to avoid eye contact with a nurse. “If she doesn’t see my eyes, she can’t yell at me.”


Back in the waiting room:

Marcoda: “Look at this. See? Air brushed babies.”

Matt: laughs supportively

Marcoda: “Look at that mouth. I bet that’s not even a real baby. I’ve seen dolls with that mouth. That woman is cradling a doll. This magazine just got creepy.” Puts magazine down and picks up another one. “Oh, she looks thrilled to be scanning her registry list. Look at that smile. ‘ooh, look at me scanning a bunch of baby crap that no one will buy for me and I’ll have to buy my damn self anyway. Look how much fun I’m having.’ ”

Matt: doesn’t bother responding knowing I’m bored and entertaining myself at this point.

Marcoda: “Ooh. This baby’s got his ‘Look’ down cold. Look.” shows Target add to Matt who’s being a very good sport about his wife’s boredom and constant game interupting.

Matt: “That’s one baby who knows how to work the camera.”

Marcoda: throws magazine back on the table. Sighs. Huffs. Puffs. Blows her hair out of her eyes. Taps the leather chair in a vain attempt at a drum beat, realizes she’s got a decent beat going, then fucks it up because she’s thinking about it, gets embarressed because she knows her husband is listening to her weak ass drumming and laughing at his wife being all cute and trying to play the drums on a leather chair. Turns back to her good ol’ friends Anger and Frustration. “Fricken a! What time is it?”

Matt: “4:32”

Marcoda: looks at empty receptionist desk “Ok, you can come out now.”


A few minutes later, the nurse does come out and brings me back to the scale. I’ve now gained 37 pounds which is still less than my 45 pounds with J. (that is what we call a “victory”.)

We head into the exam room. Nurse I’ve never met (which, let me just point out, I was NOT happy with. This is a small private practice and I’ve only ever seen one Nurse. Her name is Jenna and she’s awesome and sweet. OH, and went and had her own baby three weeks ago so I’ve been seeing this other nurse who’s ok. Well, she’s good but I miss Jenna. Point is, I’ve seen 2nd Nurse twice and was expecting her again. I got some weird nurse who didn’t even tell me her name. Or maybe she did but I was all in Missing Jenna and 2nd Nurse Mode so I didn’t hear. Either way…) says, “Wow. You are REALLY pregnant.”

Marcoda: “well, that’s reassuring because I feel really pregnant.”

Matt: “Woah, wait. You’re pregnant??”


I hoist myself up onto the exam table so New Nurse can check my blood pressure and pulse. She tries to redeem herself by saying I’m “cute pregnant” and “all belly”. I’ve run out of sarcastic responses to this asinine comment so I just say, “Yup, I’m all belly.” (Matt later asks if I’m sick people telling me I “cute pregnant” yet. I’m an ungrateful bitch so of COURSE I’m sick of people telling me I’m cute. When you’re 9 months pregnant, you don’t feel cute and I’m passed the point where compliments make me feel better. Now they just piss me off because I KNOW YOU’RE LYING YOU INSINCERE BASTARD.) New Nurse puts one of those paper covering things on the table behind me and says Dr will be in shortly. “And oh, there’s a medical student in the office today. Would you be ok with her coming in and observing.” I consider being difficult just for the sake of being difficult but then decide to play nice and agreed to have the youngin’ come in for a peep show.


I undress from the waste down, encounter a weird underpants twisting inside out while inside my pants thing (Matt finds much humor in this) then park myself back on the exam table with the paper thing over my lap.


And we wait. For a long freaking time. At one point Matt starts singing “Never gonna give you up. Never gonna let you down” and I snap, “Don’t even, you son of a bitch.” He looks shocked and I laugh and say, “You didn’t even realize you were singing that did you?” Matt: “No…You just called my mom a bitch.” Me: “Well, you can explain it to her.”


We wait more. Matt suggests Paper Rock Scissors. I turn it down. He suggests Marco Polo, receives a glare and happily says, “I’ll go first! Ready?” He gets a chuckle from me at last.

Me: “Good lord. What time is it?”

Matt: “4:38”

Me: “You fricken liar. It is not 4:38”

Matt: “Hey, I’m the one with the watch.”

Me: “It was 4:32 when I asked you in the waiting room. Way more than 6 minutes have passed.”

Matt: “Ok. 40.”

Me: “Ok, I’ll believe 4:48.”

Matt: “Actually, it’s 5:00”

Me: “WHAT?? OK, now I’m mad.”


More waiting, more snarky comments from me about how creepy Suzanne Sommers looks on that cover, Matt defending her honor with, “She was good in Step by Step”, me saying that’s not much of an accomplishment as that show sucked, Matt agreeing but saying he watched it because it had girls, I hold back my admission that I watched it because it was on after Family Matters in the TGIF line up because there are some things I just don’t want to admit to my husband. Crap, now he knows.


FINALLY Med Student comes in sans Dr. Med students are so darn cute. They try so hard to develop some kind of repoir with patients who are only humoring them. This girl was very sweet and found the baby’s heart beat right away and apologized for her cold hands (which were indeed FRIGID and I immediatly thought about Elliot’s cold hands in Scrubs.HA! Good times.) and tried to make small talk about how I must be really ready to have the baby, asked how far along I was, etc. I’ve giving her very shallow answers because she’s not the one who can get me induced. So I’m pleasant enough because the poor thing doesn’t understand my sarcasm and I don’t want to scare her.


FINALLY FINALLY Dr comes in all smiles and says he’s been on call this week and has been waiting for my call because he thought for sure I’d have the baby by now. “You and me both,” I smile back. I then cheerfully told him that if he needed us to go to the hospital, we had our overnight bag in the car and were more than willing to go there right now and have this baby. If he wanted us to. Just wanted to ease is mind. He laughed and said that was good to know. Measured my uterus (39 weeks) and then double checked the baby’s heart beat (Nibbler kicked him and I was very proud.).


Then he asked if Med Student could check my cervix. “Sure, it’s a party,” came out before I could stop it. That got a laugh but, seriously people, I had 5 people in that little exam room, three of which were looking and/or digging around my inner lady parts. Med Student checked first but had a hard time getting at my cervix (I thought about warning her that it’s “way back there” but then decided that was Dr’s job and she’d figure it out anyway when she couldn’t find it.). She announced that I was at 3 outside but couldn’t tell the inside. Dr took over and THEN told her my cervix is way in back and hard to get to (oh and announced to the room that I was going to have a bowel movement that day. Not those exact words but he may as well have. Thank you, Dr, for giving the Party the uncomfortable moment it was so clearly needing.) He announced no change from last time (3cm out, 2 cm in) and said I could get dressed and they’d be back in a minute.


Matt helped me up and I got dressed. Then Matt pointed out that Dr has never said he’d be back before. It was always, “Ok, great, we’ll see you next time.” Honestly, he must pay closer attention than I do because I couldn’t remember.


Dr indeed came back shortly rather than waiting another 20 minutes and declared that he thought my cervix was “favorable for induction” (YAY! Way to be all favorable and well-liked there, Cervix. I suddenly had the urge to name it Penelope but decided against it becase there are still some lines of Crazy that I’m not willing to cross yet.) so we can set up an induction date for next week if we wanted. I probably should’ve at least looked in Matt’s direction for confirmation that this WAS what we wanted but seeing as we’d already decided to jump on any chance to induce, I didn’t think it was necessary. Even still, I hesitated for just a second before saying, “Yes, let’s do that.” Not sure why. Maybe the reality of it all started to sink in a little. Dr said we could either set it up now or I could come back for my appointment on Monday and we could set something up then. Well that’s just crazy talk. Why wait? I think Matt chimed in with me that we should set something up now. Dr said Monday was the earliest we could set up an “elective induction” as that was my 39 week mark. He went to call the hospital to see if they had an opening and gave us the choice of 5:30 or 9:30. We thought he meant PM. Nope. AM. We went with 5:30 on Dr’s suggestion because a) he’ll be on call that morning so he’ll already be at the hospital and b) that’s just that much sooner we can get things going. So he set the appointment and instructed us to check in at 5:30, the nurses there will get me prepped and settled in, go wake him up and then he’ll come and rupture me and we’ll get this thing going.


I must say he was much more positive yesterday than when we set up J’s induction (he was very hesitant to do it because he’s very “let nature do its thing”). I’m guessing because he didn’t realize I was carrying a friggen heavy weight last time. This time he knows better and is ready to help me out a little more.


So that brings us to now. Jaden’s going to sleep over at Matt’s mom’s house Sunday night and we’re going to head to the hospital shortly after 5 Monday morning. Once we get closer to The Event, we’ll call our parents to let them know and they’ll head over to the hospital (Matt’s parents dropping of Jaden at my mom’s so my sisters can watch her until we’re ready for her to come meet her brother.). Once Nibbler’s arrived (hopefully MONDAY and not TUESDAY) and he and I are both cleaned up a little, Matt will go get Jaden and bring her in to meet her little brother. Meanwhile I’ll be cuddling the baby and crying over all the awesomeness that is Building a Family.


Now that we have a firm date I realize we have a lot of small crap to cram into this weekend: laundry, house cleaning, lawn mowing, special time with Jaden, last minute running around for things, possibly a movie date Sunday…(OH! And I realized two days ago that we need to get Nibbler on some sort of health insurance so Matt and I need to compare our plans and see which one gets the most bang for the buck. ) Of course if some of this doesn’t happen it won’t be the end of the world. The most important part is making sure we do something special with Jaden. This is our last weekend as a family of three (that’s a whole different emotion filled post for later) and I want to make the most of it.


Monday. What started out as a “let’s check and see” date is now THE DATE. And it seems so much closer than 4 days. Nibbler’s moving around right now and I keep smiling thinking about how yesterday on the exam table Matt and I were both able to cup his little butt through my belly. In 4 short days, we’ll be holding him for real. Only, it doesn’t seem real.


Holy shit, we’re having a baby!


4 Responses

  1. and you are aware that now that you have the date planned and everything else prior to it ….your going into labor tonight 😀

  2. oooh oooh and the first thing i thought of too before i continued reading was that episode of scrubs where Elliot finds out how cold her hands are 🙂

  3. Oh, I’m convinced I’ll go into labor Sunday night. This is how things work.

  4. I can’t even tell you how funny that blog was. You’re so good at that. Between you and Matt your current and upcoming offspring are going to be comedians. For sure.

    Love you. Miss you. Cried a little because I’m missing the birth of your second child by less than a week.

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