Ten Reasons People Should Fear Me Today.

I’m so very tired. In an effort to appear like I’m working, I will now create a list of reasons you should probably stay the f*** away from me for awhile.

 

1)      I got to my desk, checked my email and read an incredibly sexist “humor” post about the differences between men and women (those NEVER get old) and was offended for both men and women. Mostly because my husband and I are not “typical” men and women and often get pissed off at the generalization that men don’t pay attention to their kids and women have a weakness for health and beauty products. Ok, maybe I get pissed off but it’s enough to cover Matt’s share too.

2)      Just went to the bathroom and almost cried because I discovered I’d forgotten to put a liner on my underwear this morning after I knocked the protective layer of toilet paper off the seat. The latter made me upset because I kept doing it yesterday to the point that by the end of the day I was gross and didn’t even bother laying the damn toilet paper down. Is this a major deal worthy of tears? No, not even a little. But, still, almost with the tears.

3)      Bastard fucking diet can lick my starving ass. What I thought looked like a lot of food in the cute little pamphlet with the pretty little flowers on the front (which piss me off because just because your gyno throws flowers on everything doesn’t make the gyno any more pleasant. And I can’t help but feel that all the flowers are a stupid metaphor for lady parts which we all know are not “flower like” in the least) turns out…NOT AT ALL CLOSE TO ENOUGH FOOD FOR A STARVING PREGNANT WOMAN GROWING ANOTHER FREAKING HUMAN BEING IN HER UTERUS. Bitches. AND yesterday someone brought in brownies and today someone brought in banana bread. Day two of Operation Keep Baby Under Twelve (12) Pounds and I’m ready to say, “Fuck it. I’ll just take the damn c-section” and cram that entire freaking loaf of bread in my face and hope some of it ends up down my throat and into my stomach pleasing both me and my little parasite.

4)       Some fucktard sent out an email asking us to “vote” on whether or not we want to make tomorrow a “casual day” (which is generally held on Fridays). I originally voted “no” with this message: “Only because I’m cranky and only have one pair of jeans I can wear and they are dirty. I don’t really want to spoil anyone’s fun. Ya’ll can wear all the denim and sneakers you want.” You’ll be happy to know, I amended my vote to “yes” and got rid of the snarky commentary. I figured others may not view the humor in it considering I wasn’t trying to be funny. Sometimes sarcasm is nothing more than a thinly veiled “Fuck you.”

5)      After my list I’m going to go back to reading blogs and if anyone dares to read over my shoulder and see I’m not working, I will snarl and spit and demand they kindly jump off a balcony.

6)      I had stupid dreams all night about going in to labor and then woke up this morning, looked at my growth, I mean, belly and sighed, “Yup. Still pregnant.” I’m ok with still being pregnant, I just don’t want to be pregnant anymore. I want my baby on the outside already and I feel like it’s safe now for him to come out. That and I have the false hope of going a week early to really eff me up good because we all know 39 weeks is going to come and my friggen cervix will be closed up tighter than a 1700’s puritan spinster’s and I will begin throwing things at Dr. “Flowers Equal Feminine” Gyno and demand he get the kid out already and while he’s got me sliced open, go ahead and tie those damn tubes because I don’t want to see his ass face ever again! And then I will go home with my pretty new baby boy and begin the process of de-crazifying.

7)      I’m bitter at my co-workers for asking me how my wonderful evening at the ball park went. Yes, I’m mad that they’re trying to make me forget how cranky I am by making me brag about my kid. Crazy? MUCH.

8 )      Listening to NPR this morning in the parking lot tell me that Isreal is getting ready to send a strike on Iran and I swear to gawd, this is what I said aloud to myself and didn’t regret at all (even though I totally don’t feel this way on a normal day): “Oh go ahead and blow each other up already. I’m done caring.” Then I tried to rationalize my completely inappropriate statement by directing my anger at these stupid governments who don’t give two shakes of piss about the people in the countries they’re blowing up (including our own stupid government) and then dropped it because, really, at that point, I couldn’t care. I was too busy being pissy about my stupid orange in my bag that was not going to fill me up during my morning snack.

9)      It’s not even 9am yet. Nuff said.

10)  Tomorrow is not Friday which means I do not have the day off. And don’t even get me started on Friday and the whole Fourth of July thing or the damn political season or the fact that our media and candidates care more about whether some douche’s comment about being shot down in a fighter plane doesn’t qualify one for the presidency was out of line and offensive than the fact that the American people (that they’re fighting to work for) can’t afford gas to get to their jobs that may or may not be there at the end of the year so how will they pay for the gas to find another job that may not exist in order to pay for their mortgage or rent or FOOD.

 

Bah. I’m done. And I’m going to eat this damn cookie on my desk and so help me GAWD if anyone dares say anything. (Yes, Gopher, I’m looking at you.)

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