The First Example Jaden Will Give that Mom’s Weblog Ruined Her Life

Or: Yet Another Example of How Matt is the Quick Thinker in This Marriage

Matt and I wanted to get a camera for Jaden’s birthday present but couldn’t find a decent one that either a) wasn’t over $80 or b) wasn’t swiped from us at the last minute in many heated ebay auctions. So we did what any last minute type parent does: took her to Target to let her pick out her own damn present.

Great idea but there’s one thing wrong with this: Three year olds aren’t big on making decisions and this particular three year old kept gravitating to all the toys that make noise and were for 18 month olds. What can I say? We discouraged annoying noisy toys when she was little and I guess she was making up for it by pressing every little button she could get her mitts on.

We were in the third aisle of toys when things took an interesting turn. Matt and I were trying to get her to look at the “kid cameras” because we weren’t ready to give up completely on the idea. Jaden was entranced with some stupid thing and wouldn’t even look at us. “Jaden, look! Would you like a camera? Jaden. Jaden. Come over here. Jaden. Jaden. Jaden. Jaden.” (I used to love her name and never thought I’d get tired of saying it.) “Forget it,” Matt said, “Let’s just go to the next aisle. C’mon, J.”

I don’t remember who saw it first but there it was: a little dollup of poo on the pristine Target floor.

Denial is a funny thing. When I first saw the poo my initial thought was “Who the hell brought their dog in the store?” Followed immediatley by the realization that WE had brought our dog into the store. Only the dog was our newly turned three little girl. We looked at the poo, then at eachother, then at Jaden and saw another little dollup fall out of her shorts and onto the floor.

“What do we do??” Our instinct was to flee the scene. Irresponsible? A little. Perhaps. Ok, very. But Matt stuck the messy pantsed Jaden into the cart and said, “we need to get her to the bathroom.” “Well, yeah!” I replied, as if I’d totally already thought of that (I hadn’t. I was still in my Flight mode of the Fight or Flight Instinct.). I took off towards the end of the aisle when I heard this: “Oh! You stepped in it!”

I looked back and looked: there were the two little dollups of poo with some faint tread marks of a retreating mother’s sandle. “SHIT!” I whispered. Then we heard a cart approaching from the opposite end of the aisle and Matt and I both jerked our heads in that direction to see a father with two little kids coming.

Bless my husband for taking charge. I was still frozen with a look of panic and horror on my face clutching onto the cart with white knuckles while he explained, “My daughter just had an accident. You may not want to come down here.”

An accident! YES! Relief came over me immediately. It was an accident! Kids have bathroom accidents all the time! My kid didn’t shit on the floor of Target. She had an Accident. Suddenly, the situation wasn’t so terrible. Except I still had shit on my shoe and Jaden had just dropped another dollup into the cart. Oh and the thing with the shit on the floor and my frantic track marks fleeing the scene.

The man generously offered some baby wipes which Matt declined and said “we’re going to call someone but you may not want to come down here just yet.” Then he turned to me and said, “Take her to the bathroom!” with the tone of “what the hell are you still standing here for?”

Right! Yes! Bathroom! A mission, a goal, an excuse to flee only I wasn’t fleeing; I was going to clean up my little girl who had an Accident. By way of the carpeted areas of the store.

The bathroom seemed exceptionally far away but we made it there with Jaden helpfully informing me, “I poopy, mommy. I have poop in my pants.” “Thank you, sweetie, for letting me know.” (Never miss an opportunity to praise your child for following the simple steps of potty training.)

Once in the bathroom I ordered Jaden into the first stall and then frantically searched for paper towels because we’re stupid and unprepared and didn’t bring an extra pull-up OR wipes of any kind thinking that since we’d just put on a fresh pair before leaving for Target, we’d be safe. You would think after three years of this parenting gig we would know better. I checked both paper towel dispensers and found the first one to be completely empty and second to be well on it’s way to being empty. Obviously someone was ignoring the “This is your restroom check call. Who will respond?” alert that the entire bleeding store hears every hour or so. Bastards. I grabbed what I could and then realized the stall Jaden was in was beyond the smallest stall I’d ever seen so I ordered her to march herself to the last stall.

(I would like to take this moment to point out how incredibly calm I appeared to my child. Never once did she suspect I was upset or embarressed by her action. This was just another clean up in her mind. What I lack in common sense I make up for calm execution. Thank you. Yes, I am awesome.)

First things first: remove pants. Yup, those are ruined. Next: remove pull-up without getting poo all over my daughter’s shoes. Done and done. Inspect the pull-up and the very real realization that I have no back up diaper for a very Not Potty-trained pre-schooler hits me. Taking up the motto of Scarlett O’Hara (“I won’t think about that now.”) I dump the poo that is in the pull-up into the toilet and procees to clean off Jaden’s legs. Cleaning poo off skin is near impossible without water but I do my best and Jaden takes way too much pleasure out of flushing the toilet several times.

Still cleaning and starting to consider cleaning out the pull up and reusing it (yes, I’m gross but I had no other options!! Don’t Judge Me!! You weren’t there!!) when I hear the restroom door open and a voice call out, “Ma’am?”

Beat.

“yes?”

“I have a diaper and some wipes here for you.”

I bolt upright and fling the door open (very impressive for an 8 month old pregnant woman) and sigh, “oh thank god!! Thank you so much!” She laughs in an understanding kind of way and leaves. I shut the stall door and am practically giddy in my cleaning now. I wonder, while I clean, where the diaper and wipes came from. They’re both Target brand so I wonder if Target has a supply in the back for situations like this. Then I realize I don’t care where the hell they came from. The Pull-Up Fairy came through.

Of course I can’t have J lay on the floor so I ask her to bend over as that’s the only way I can really get in and do a decent cleaning job. She is now clean and wearing a clean (NOT re-used) pull-up. And she still has shit on her shorts.

First plan was to just rinse them in the sink and the dry them with the hand dryer. This plan was foiled when I saw that this Target had the only bathroom in the state of Minnesota without hand dryers. So back into the stall I went and wiped and wiped and wiped those shorts with baby wipes and got them as clean as I could. Then Jaden didn’t want to wear them. “There’s poop on them!” (note to self: Never attempt to reuse a pull-up on this kid. She’ll mess them up to no end and sit in them forever but once they’re off, they ain’t going back on.) “No, sweetie, I cleaned off the poop. There just a little wet. There’s no poop. Just wet.” She looks at them dubiously and asks, “There’s no poop? They just wet?” “Yes! C’mon, let’s put them on.” Joy spreads across her face as she holds on to me and puts her legs in. “They not poopy! They just wet!” I pull up her pants and give a brief lecture on the topic of “Why It’s Important to Tell Mommy and Daddy Right Away When You Have Poopy Pants.” Once she’s cleaned and dressed, I hug her. Then I pull away and look into her eyes, “Do you have any idea how much I love you? Not anyone would do this for you.”

We wash our hands and exit the bathroom at last to see Matt waiting for us. “Everything ok?”

“Yup!” I let out a sigh and he reaches for Jaden’s hand. “You washed her hands, right?” “Yes, and mine and I wiped off my shoe.” Then I see the Target bag in his hand.

“Did you think I’d buy diapers and wipes?” he asks. “No!” I reply, “I wouldn’t have thought of it.” Because I don’t react well to emergancy situations. DOY! We’re at Target. Of Course we can buy diapers and wipes here.

He regaled me with his story of flagging down someone to clean up the aisle and then rushing to buy the pull-ups and wipes and then racing to the bathroom then stopping at the last second, remembering this is the women’s restroom and he’s not allowed in there. (It’s amazing how much power that little stick figure in a skirt has) So he asked a nice young lady to deliver them to me.

And that is how Mr. and Mrs. Bingmar survived their first Poop In A Public Place episode.

Epilogue: We spent another hour wandering through the toy section trying to get the kid to just pick something already. Finally Matt took charge, again, and picked out a wooded train set and some trivia card things for 3-4 year olds. I picked out a Play-dough Fun Factory. Jaden was not disappointed. Although she did plead through out our walk to the car, “No, Target! Don’t leave!”

Jeez, kid. Dramatic much?

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6 Responses

  1. can i just say …

    1) i feel your pain but not on the dirty diaper end at a major retail store but rather vomitting at a major retail store…twice 😦

    2) i can not stop laughing…why dont you become a professional story teller because my abs and cheeks (on my face not the other end) just got a huge workout from laughing so hard…Thank you Jaden and your full pull up!

    3) speaking of the pull up…that thing had to of been fuller that a filter of wet coffee grounds for all that to come out…way to have a BM Jaden!

  2. Actually, Gramma put the pull up on a little crooked. It was all concentrated on one side.

  3. Oh, yet another totally relatable, only funny after the fact, anecdote of parenting. You made this nearly 9 month pregnant lady laugh until she nearly peed her pants in her own home.

  4. Oh I can relate to that one, Anne!

  5. hm. funny 🙂

  6. […] on him but he protested: “No, mommy, der’s poop in der!” And I reassured him (much like I did his sister just over 3 years ago in a Target bathroom stall) that there wasn’t any poop in them, it was in his underpants which were being cleaned now. […]

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