Update on that first human I pushed out of my hoo-hoo

Things Jaden did this week:


1)      Dance. All the time dancing. She can’t hear music and not dance. Only she’s no longer “just dancing”. She now demands applause after the performance. To be fair, she does execute a flawless bow during the applause. Unfortunately, she likes to press this one spot on her “Little Touch Leap Pad: Rainbow Fish One, Two, Three” book that plays a 10 second ditty, dance during it, demand applause, bow, and REPEAT. About ten times. She also dances during “So You Think You Can Dance” which is awesome but also weird because the Contemporary Numbers tend to include a lot of rolling around on the floor. And somersaulting. Into foot stools. Jaden, not the dancers on the tv.


2)      Became a Daddy’s Girl. Jaden loves her daddy, always has. However, she tends to favor mommy. I understand this is completely normal as children have a natural survival instinct to hover by mom for protection. (I’m thinking human children from thousands of years ago didn’t have mothers who were afraid of spiders and had tiny stick arms.) Around three years of age, children start getting a little more active and imaginative and realize their moms are just big piles of hugs and stories and baby growing and are no good for actual playing. And they can’t play the guitar. (This is all based on extensive scientific research.) So about the time they realize their mom is completely lame and only good for quirky story time voices, they see dad hanging around mowing the lawn, watering the lawn with the garden hose (or more accurately destroying ant hills), and generally being way more cool than mom. ENTER THE DADDY’S GIRL PHASE. She’s been all about Matt this week. Still wants nothing to with him at bedtime unless I’m not around but up until that point, she’s climbing all over him and laughing and just being the cutest thing ever. All of it culminated to Last Night: A Play in One Very Short Act:


Scene: Mr and Mrs Inlaws basement post wonderful dinner. Matt (a sexy musician and father who, despite having taken years of dance in his youth, has no interest in watching a dancing program) is fleeing the premises because there is some hard core “So You Think You Can Dance” viewing.


J (a rambunctious and adorable almost-three-year-old with big brown eyes and strawberry blonde hair that curls at the ends) comes down stairs looking very sad and climbs into the rocking chair with a giant pout on her lips. Me (a 7 ½ month pregnant fire cracker of a hot mom) pauses the tivo and looks concerned at her first born’s sudden melancholy.


Me: J? What’s wrong, baby?


J buries her head in the chair and says nothing.


Me: Jaden? Sweetie? Are you sad? What’s wrong?


J: (muffled because of the face burying) Daddy yeft.


Me: Oh, sweetie. Yeah, daddy went home. Why don’t you come here and cuddle with me and watch the dancers?


(Much coaxing ensues from me and Mr and Mrs Inlaw and eventually Jaden sits with me and her rainbow blanket. All is well for about a minute while we continue watching the dancers. Matt comes back inside.)


Me: Matt?


Matt: (coming downstairs) What?


Me: We thought you went home…?


Matt: No, I was checking out the hiking back pack. I’m going to take off now.


Me: Well, Jaden was really sad when she thought you left. You should come over here and say good bye.


Matt: Oh, sweetie. (comes over, gives her a hug and kneels next to the chair) I’m gonna go home now, ok?


Jaden: Daddy, don’t yeave me!


(a very audible cracking sound as all the adults’ rib cages bust due to the swelling hearts.)


Me: What did you say?


Jaden: Daddy, don’t yeave me! (same inflection as before. i.e: heart breakingly pleading)


I couldn’t watch the interaction at that point, the cuteness level being, literally, way too high. We asked Jaden several times if she wanted to go home with daddy or stay with mommy and watch the dancers. She flipped back and forth but we finally got “go with daddy” two or three times in a row and decided she’d made up her mind. They went home and played music and read and did the bedtime routine and had a generally lovely time together. While I cried on the couch at the In-laws over how freaking much I love those two.


3. Got a guitar. I mean a REAL guitar, not a cheap ukulele her father got from Hawaii during his senior year of high school that is so desperately out of tune and beyond repair it’s really only good for laying on the floor of a little girl’s room. Gramma got it for her at a garage sale for $10. The new guitar, I mean. (Man, I have got to keep my train of thoughts straight.) It’s a youth-size guitar that I guess originally cost $150. Score! Jaden was beyond proud to show us her new guitar and played us several songs of her own design and sang along marvelously. And kept playing with the tuning pegs. I have to give mad props to her musician father for keeping his “Freaking Out Over the Tuning of the Guitar” to a minimum. Then he went down stairs and I was forced to play the guitar. I don’t play guitar. I know two chords (E and D, I think) and I don’t even know if those are correct (what’s the one where you put two fingers on the two highest strings between the second and third fret? Is that a chord? It sure didn’t sound like one. I’ll blame Jaden’s shoddy tuning job.). Kid didn’t care. So I strummed some stuff. Which wasn’t good enough. She wanted a song, with, like, singing and stuff. So I strummed along and made up some lyrics that revolved around putting one’s hands in the air, shaking one’s butt, stamping one’s feet and jumping a lot. Then she wanted “The Jungle Song”. Crud. This is an actual song that Matt wrote for her a long time ago. I know the words (I’d have to be deaf and completely and totally the worst wife and mother not to know the words by now) but not whatever the hell chords Matt plays for this particular song. Not that I could play them if I did know. Thank the godz for pre-schoolers who know nothing about music structure. Matt came upstairs in time for me to start in on the second verse that, while lyrically flawless, was butchered to death by a well-intentioned wife strumming made up chords on an out of tune youth size guitar. We put the guitar away at that point.


4. Learned how to cast a fishing rod! For Father’s Day Jaden picked out a brand new fishing rod for Daddy and a kid size one for herself so she and daddy can go fishing. In less than two days, the kid was casting 25 feet in the back yard. She’s a natural. Maybe tomorrow Matt will take her fishing and maybe I’ll go along for moral support (and to get video of her freaking out at seeing an actual live Bullhead on the end of her Go Diego Go fishing rod. I mean freaking out in the “OH DEAR LORD! THAT’S NOT A CUTE LITTLE GOLD FISH! THAT’S SATAN WITH FINS!” way, not the “OH MY GOSH! WALL-e!!” way.). Or maybe we’ll set up the kiddie pool I picked up for her last week and she can pretend fish in that. Whatever works. Either way I’ll be sitting in the shade reading until something worthy of digital camera capture happens.


5. Tried to steal my car. This isn’t new but I’ve been meaning to tell you all about it. Jaden likes to either a) hold my keys while I’m strapping her in her car seat or b) sit behind the steering wheel and play with all the buttons and lever thingies (you know. The wiper and turn signal dealies.). Regardless of which one of these is her choice at the time (this morning it was Sit In the Driver’s Seat and Crank on the Wheel and Turn on the Windshield Wipers So Her Mommy In All Her Preggie Brain Glory Can Think “What the hell? It wasn’t raining when I got home last night” When She Turns On the Car.), when I either take the keys away or get her in her own damn seat the following conversation takes place:

J: I just gonna be the mama and you gonna be Jaden.

Me: No, I’m the mama, you’re the Jaden.

J: No, I’m the mama, you’re the Jaden!

Me: No, I’m the mama, you’re the Jaden!

J: No, I’m the mama, you’re the Jaden!

And so on until we’re both laughing and I’m covering her face in kisses.


6. Was a baby several times. Not sure if she’s just playing a game or reverting because of all the Baby Talking going on. Either way, she’ll lay on the floor and start crying in this weird muted baby’s cry thing and I’m supposed to cradle her and give her a bottle or pacifier. Thing is, it doesn’t have to be a real bottle or pacifier. Just whatever I have on hand that we can pretend is a bottle or pacifier. Yesterday, I used a mega block. She didn’t care.


She’s also not just a human baby. She’s also taken the form of a Baby Kitten, a Baby Puppy, a Baby Bear, a Baby Pig, a Baby Fish, a Baby Bird and a Baby Sheep. As you are all such smart little readers, I don’t have to point out the obvious that while she’s a Baby (insert animal type here) Matt and I become Mama and Papa (insert animal type here). i.e.: Mama Kitten and Papa Pig.


Wow. When I type it all out, she’s done a lot this week. I haven’t even included her “reading” an entire book all by herself because I got it on video and will be trying to post that gem later. At some point. Along with pics of the baby’s room and the updated house.


Things Jaden Did NOT Do This Week:

1. Use the potty.

2. Pee on the carpet




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