The Fridge Saga Part IV of IV (unless this bastard breaks down too)

Guess what I have in my little insulated lunch bag that came with my breast pump and was formerly used to transport fresh squeezed breast milk. (Stop squirming. You knew what you were getting into when you started reading this thing.) Nope, not breast milk. Not for awhile yet. No donated organs either. What is wrong with you? It’s just an apple and strawberries and string cheese and pudding and carrots. “Why the guessing game, Marcoda? It’s just a bunch of healthy snacks?” Because, bitches*, these items came from the brand new fridge that is right now standing in my kitchen and cooling things! Like fruit. And meat. And ICE CREAM**!!!

Yes, it’s here! And it fits although oh so snugly. Kinda like me squeezing into a certain skirt which is just plain uncomfortable now. The fridge doesn’t look uncomfortable though. Just snug and at home.

(Side note: I just had another moment when I realized this house will be home for a good long time. There will be no packing up and hurrying to find a new place when the lease is up in a year. What a calming thought.)

We discovered it’s got special drawers for meat & chees and veggies & fruits. Yes, all fridges have drawers, I know. But ours are specially designed and all technologically advanced enough to know there’s meat and cheese in there and to make sure most of the cold air stuff gets down there (I’m pretty sure that’s how it works) and there’s a humidity control on the produce drawer so we can tell it what kind of fruit or veggie we have in there (leafy and skinless, like spinich, or has skin, like an apple) so it can adjust the humidity accordingly thus keeping our produce fresher longer. We had no idea it had this when we bought it. We were all, “It fits, it works, let’s get it.” And it came with a super cool owners manual that tells us exactly how long things stay “ok to eat” in the freezer and fridge! Stop looking so smug, Mr./Ms. “I know How Long to Store Things in the Fridge/Freezer.” We didn’t, ok? Too many times we looked at eachother and asked, “how long will this keep? It’s been there a week *cough*month*. Is it still ok?” NOW WE KNOW! Matt wants to make a copy of these particular pages and hang them on the fridge and I think I’m in agreement. This knowledge must be posted for all to see!

OR

We greedily horde the knowledge for ourselves and laugh as our friends and neighbors throw out huge caches of bad food. Or is it bad? THEY WOULDN’T KNOW, WOULD THEY?

My my, we are evil.

Matt said he’s going to make dinner tonight and when I asked, “What’s for dinner?” and he said, “I don’t know”,  I said, “Well, we’ve got options. IN OUR FRIDGE!” Because it’s true. Oh did we spend a lot of money at the grocery store last night. (Well, two grocery stores.) $90 on meat and dairy alone. Exactly $90. Matt was thoroughly excited about this and asked the cashier lady who had to verify our “self check out” card reader thing if the reason she had to clear the screen was because we were at exactly “$90”. She shook her head no but agreed that it was impressive. I informed him it was because the purchase was over $25. He felt silly but did not let it put a damper on his $90 high. That doesn’t sound right. You know I’m not talking about weed, right?

*I don’t really mean that you’re all bitches. It’s just a really fun word to say. I often find myself walking through the house muttering, “Bitches and hoes, mother fuckers, bitches and hoes.” Just because I like the sound of it. And No, not in front of the kid. (Seriously, what is wrong with you?) I do recommend you try saying it at your leisure as well. But not when you’re in a bad mood and you have to say it in a “what are you gonna do? Can’t live with ’em, can’t live without ’em” inflection. And not in front of the kids!

**This really is the reason we got the new fridge. I could deal with keeping our milk in the freezer just to keep it cold but I could not handle no ice cream. And to celebrate the new freezing technology we stocked up on some Dippin Dots at Cub. Only they weren’t Brand Name Dippin Dots but rather two different manufacturers giving their take on the ice cream of the future. They were on sale 10 for $10 so we got 6 of them. And boy howdy are they staying frozen today. My family will be eating them all tonight. Because we can.

Bitches.***

 

***Bitches and hoes, mother fuckers, bitches and hoes.

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