The Tiredness of Being Me

I really don’t think that title makes sense. You’ll forgive me if I could give a rat’s butt. I went to bed at 9pm last night then woke up at 1:30am. Then at 2am I got up, went to the living room, had a bowl of Trix and watched 2 and a half hours of Scrubs Season 6. At 4:30 I went to bed only to discover I’d left my pillow on the couch. Not about to go back out there for fear I’d put in the next disc of Scrubs, I politely asked my husband to give me one of his, which he did. I fell asleep and dreamt about having sex with the cast of Scrubs. Dr. Cox was a surprisingly gentle kisser. But then JD, Turk and Carla were pissed that they weren’t invited to the orgy and I couldn’t get JD to forgive me. Apparently he was my boyfriend in this dream. Then the dream morphed into my Gramma’s funeral where my Grampa had to bring the casket to the the front of the church, only due to a comical sequence of events he ended up putting the casket upside down (the vertical way, it was standing up instead of laying down) so her head was on the bottom. In order to fix this, he just took that part of the casket off the bottom and put it to the top so her head was now on top of her feet. The casket you see had become one of those old magician trick boxes that are split into three parts. Hilarious, right? The rest of the funeral took place with me trying to keep my sisters from going in and seeing our dead grandmother because we didn’t want them to be freaked out and traumatized. In this dream they were roughly 4 and 6 (in real life, they’re 13 and 15). From there the dream progressed to me coming home late and being very tired and just wanting to go to bed only I was now living with my parents again at our old house before my parents split up for the second and last time and staying in my old bedroom althought I was married to Matt who was also staying in that room and I kept telling him to just let me sleep for a couple hours and I swear we’d go to lunch and a movie. I’m thinking all of those dreams had a little something to do with watching scrubs for 2 and a half hours which included an episode in which JD fantasizes about his funeral:

scrubsepisode16.jpg (and I couldn’t find a pic but one of my favorite JD lines: “Sneak hug!”)

Back in the waking world it was now 6:30am and Jaden decided she was done sleeping and came into our bedroom to wake me up. I then rolled over and asked my husband why our children hated me so much. One kept me up all night and the other wouldn’t stop digging pointy parts of their body into my neck. (could this be a hint of what the future holds perhaps?) I fought her attempts to keep me awake for another half hour then gave up and got up, went to the bathroom, made a lame attempt to potty train her, got her and myself a bowl of Marshmallow Mateys and wondered why some of my marshmallows looked like little penises. I think they’re supposed to be anchors but you look at those little orange things and tell me they aren’t little penises. I think I really need to stay awake long enough at night to have sex. Something is telling me I desperately need it.

 It is now 7:43 and I’m trying to type while Jaden climbs all over me, the cat freaks out some more and Jaden tries to distract from my crappy mood by wishing me a happy birthday. Not to be deterred from my crappy mood I reply, “It’s not my birthday.” “It’s a surprise,” she says. 

Which brings me to the actual point of this post: We’re taking Jaden to see Nemo on Ice this morning as a surprise. I told her yesterday we’re going to a special place in the morning. The show starts at 10am and we were going to take the bus (because we’re all about giving our kid a cheap thrill and a lesson about crazy people in the city before we move to the safe loving arms of the suburbs) but I checked the weather and it’s currently 4 degrees but feels like -10. I checked the hour-to-hour report (because it’ll magically warm 20 degrees in the next hour) and it will have warmed but only to 7 and it will still feel like -4. So I’m thinking we’re going to just drive which me make me a lying bitch of a mom who spent all yesterday morning and evening promising a magical ride on the glorious city bus. Hopefully she’ll forgive me when she sees grown adults dressed up like fish dancing around on skates.

But even though she and her sibling hate their mother so very very much, I still love her enough not to skin her mother fucking cat alive. That’s not what I was going to type but Polly the Jerkwad picked a very opportune moment to launch herself onto the couch behind me. What I meant to say is her father and I still love her enough to drag our tired asses out into the cold to deny her the joy of having giant novelty fish balloons to wave around while we squint to see the afore mentioned fish pansies dance.

I’m sure she’ll love it and thus us.  It doesn’t matter though because I plan on sleeping with my eyes open through out the show.


2 Responses

  1. Okay, is it just me or is there something wrong, logically, about fish, who swim, on ice, which is frozen water. WTH?! Whatever the case, I hope you had fun and if you did indeed succeed at sleeping with your eyes open, could you please share that skill? Thanks.

  2. i love scrubs … its awesome that they are on when i use my ellyptical…good excuse to watch TV 🙂

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