Winter can lick my a$$. Here in Minnesota (a.k.a The Icebox of the United States (Even More So than Alaska).) we had our first significant snow fall of the season. That’s wrong. I’m pulling an NYC. The first major snow fall in the Twin Cities which is but a small part of the great state of Minnesota. Minnesota as a whole has had several snow falls this season much like the rest of the country has theatre and artsy people and coffee shops, not just NYC (If you haven’t caught on, I think NYC is the spoiled eldest child of the family that is These United States). What the hell was I talking about? Oh, right. Snow. I love snow. Snow is beautiful and serene to look at. From the comfort and warmth of my couch and through the double paned window of my living-room. Once you get me out in it, I become a bitch. Plain and simple and I can admit it. Even to the point of wanting to slap some sense in my husband when he can’t contain his excitement to take J out sledding. I’ll watch and take pictures from the warm couch. This gives you some background to my morning. But first, some glowing remarks on the awesomeness of my daughter so you know that I really do love her even when I want to throw her in a snowbank out of sheer frustration.

She was an ANGEL all weekend. I mean everything from singing little songs to playing with the cat to going to bed (reasonably) well and just plain being awesome. I taught her “Where is Thumbkin?” this weekend and that’s her new favorite. She’s been singing “Owyou Oday, dir, Run away, run away” on a loop and I’m not sick of it. Then last night after I read her her bedtime story (very cute story called Monster Math which has the surprise ending of the monster being a girl, not a boy. Well, it was a surprise to me. You just get used to main characters being boys in kids books.) and I didn’t feel like singing so I asked her to sing me a song. She proceeded to sing the theme song to Little Einsteins while I beamed with pride. She knew almost all the words (yes, I realize this means she watching tv more than I’d like but as a parent you take pride where you can. Back off.) and I almost cried listening to her sweet little voice singing slightly off key, not realizing that in less than 12 hours I’d be debating the need for mittens and peeling her limp form off the floor to put on said mittens.

Which leads us to this morning. First, I want to take this moment to thank my husband for being the awesome man that he is. He took care of the laundry, brushed off my car and went and bought a humidifier and laundry soap last night. The brushing off of my car in particular is what guilted me into to loading the dishwasher last night. (Yes, he does most of the house work and I feel guilty about it every day but that doesn’t up my energy level to help more. Go figure.) So, as least I can say I didn’t have to brush my car off. After getting my self ready and helping H get J dressed, I headed out to start my car to let it warm up before I brought poor tiny toddler out into the 4 degree weather (people in AZ-I’m assuming this blog has already reached those in AZ-are now wikipeding to see if 4 degrees is survivable by humans). I’ve been having issues with my car engine turning over but have been reassured that it’s a fuel injection issue and this crazy stuff I’ve been putting in my gas tank will clear it up. Imagine my horror when my engine didn’t turn over AT ALL. Even my tried and true method of pressing down the gas didn’t work. Oh, and I wasn’t wearing coat. “Oh, I’ll just be a second, I’m a Minnesotan. Minnesotans don’t need coats (or gloves) to start their car. GROWL!”

Running through the not-quite-cleared street back into my house, I don’t realize how freaking cold I actually am until I get inside where it’s oh so blessedly warm and remember how I feel about winter (see opening sentence). I find J running around teasing Polly with my bagels she stole out of my bag. “J, sweetie, go put those back in mommy’s bag, please.” See how nice I am. I wasn’t even being sarcastic; I was still in a good mood because I was still on schedule. Sure my car wasn’t starting but I knew it would. I tell H the situation and ask him to get J’s coat and snow pants on. OH!! Quick proud mom moment: J put on her socks and boots ALL BY HERSELF. Unfortunately this meant that H had to take the boots off in order to get the snow pants on. The same boots that J was proudly stomping around the house in the night before when H brought them home from Target. “My boots!” Toddler Girls' Circo® Odela Strap Boots - Pink

I get my car started on the first try (go fig) and just sit outside making sure it doesn’t die then I dig out my brush and scrapper and try scraping the ice off my windshield only to discover my scraper sucks even more ass than winter. (That’s not true. It wouldn’t suck if winter didn’t exist. So, it sucks nearly as much as winter.) I throw the defroster on high and run back in the house to find J on the floor screaming with no snowpants, mittens or hat on but she is wearing her coat and boots. Then the fight ensues because now time is up and we need to go NOW. Here’s something I know in theory, but I never put into practice: Logic and Toddlers are like opposing magnets. They hate each other. I think they have secret club meetings on how to further hate each other. Here’s the conversation (as such):

H: I couldn’t get the pants on at all and she won’t keep the mittens on.

Me: C’mon, J, it’s cold outside. You have to wear your mittens.”

J: “No mittens!” (“They’re made of molten lava and will KILL me! Flat out KILL me!”)

Me: “C’mon, J, just put them on. You can take them off in the car but it’s cold outside.”

J: “No mittens!” (throws herself backwards to the hardwood floor narrowly missing the die-cast semi-truck I got her at a trade show. Screams louder because she just smacked her head on a hardwood floor.)

Me: “Ok, you narrowly missed fracturing your skull on this thing. Now will you put the fricken mittens on.”

J: “No mittens!”

Me: (now I’m getting really angry and J has officially won the battle) “Dammit, J! I don’t have time for this! We have to go NOW! Put on your damn mittens!” (shoving them on her little eczema riddled hands)

J: (throwing her self back on the floor. Yes, she sat up just so she could throw herself down again.) “No mittens!” (rips them off)

Me: “That is it! It’s fricken cold outside, there’s snow. You have to wear your mittens!” (shove them back on, grab my bags and her hand and head for the door.) “Bye, H, love you, thank you, bye.” (we step through the door to the main entry way which leads to a flight of stairs down. Yay, upper level duplex!)

J: “Uh-oh! Mitten!” (still in desperate tired tears, frantically tries to pull her mitten back on as it’s now hanging half way off her hand. I shove it back on. then the other one goes.) “Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Uh-oh!” (this is me trying to ignore the situation but funny thing. Toddlers aren’t easily ignored.) “UH-OH!”

Me: “Oh for crying out loud!”  and I shove the damn thing back on the tiny hand. “It’s fine now, let’s go.”

J: “Hodju?” (this is “Hold you?” This is what I used to say when we’d leave and I’d carry her down the stairs. This is when she was a year old and roughly 18 pounds instead of two years old and 35 pounds. She hasn’t forgotten this.)

Me: “No, I will not hold you. I have three bags and your snow pants. I will hold your hand.” (she blubbers and cries all the way down the stairs) “J, once we get outside you will see the snow and you’ll be so excited you won’t care that I’m not holding you or that you’re wearing the mittens.”

Sure enough, as soon as we step outside I hear a tearful “Snow!” I get her in her car seat and say (for the 50th time this season) “See, J? If you’d just listen to me we wouldn’t have to argue every morning.” (again, logic and toddlers. I can’t accept it.) By now, we’re twenty minutes late, my windshield is still frozen over but I just don’t care.

Driving to my MIL’s house (after my windshield was clear. I realized that sounds bad if I don’t clarify that), I calm down and think about how much I hate starting my days like this. I hate fighting with J. She’s my darling little girl who, for the most part, is an easy kid. So I appologize. “J? Mama’s sorry she yelled at you.” She ignores me. I deserve it. I’ll make it up tonight with hugs and kisses and an extra story.

 Too bad I can’t ignore winter.


2 Responses

  1. You do know i totally agree with you about every last aspect of your blog, from the running outside w/o a coat cuz i am a minnesotan to the fact that their is an conspiracy between toddlers and logic…or lack there of. Now, keep in mind, that as those said toddlers do get older they begin to grasp logic, HOWEVER they can now tell you why they chose to ignore it in first place…i am sure MY blog will explain.

  2. You’re right about NYC. What a snob, thinking it’s better than all the states. Well, the states should get together and excommunicate it’s arse from the country! Yeah!

    Wow, it sounds like you had quite the morning! Glad you got to work safely and I hope tomorrow morning goes more smoothly! And I hope it doesn’t snow again for quite awhile. December 24 would work , I think.

    Oh my gosh, idea! Kid’s coats with the mittens already attached to the wrists so when you put on the coat, the mittens are already on and won’t can’t be taken off by willful toddlers! Kind of like pjs with feet!

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