Warning: Out-pouring of emotions

Two weeks ago today I was informed that my position’s being eliminated. I’m over the initial shock of that. What makes me mad is that now it’s been two weeks and I’ve realized I’m in the throws of depression. I’ve cried on the shoulders of those closest to me and put on a brave face to everyone else. Today I can’t be brave. And you who read this are going to see me at my most vulnerable.

I’m scared. So scared I can’t put it into words. Uncertainty is a demon that has taken a hold of me. My logical side is battling with my emotional side. “You’ve got a ton to offer. You’ll find another job. This isn’t personal. Their decision makes sense from a business stance.” “What if I don’t find something else? What if I end up back in a call center because I’m scared of not finding anything? And fuck it not being personal. My feelings would be somewhat assauged if I knew for a second my boss felt some remorse for putting me and my co-worker in such a terrifying predicament. He’s just so fucking cold and removed.”

See? I’m a mess. And the really fucked up thing is I’m just waiting to get chewed out by said boss for my productivity falling and not having a better excuse than, “Sorry, Mark, I’m just not that motivated to sell this fucking card anymore. What are you gonna do? Fire me?” Believe me, if I could stay home I would in a heart beat. Who wouldn’t, right? Instead, I drag myself into this half-walled, beige cubicle and go through the motions of putting in an honest day’s work while all the while I’m screaming and sobbing inside, “WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO??” Perhaps it’s fitting that I brought in my “Drama Queen” coffee mug today.

*sigh* And I want a baby. H and I both do but I want one so much because I know that if I see that little + on the pee stick, I’ll have something to look foreward to, even if I don’t have a job to support it.

Look, I know something’s going to come along and everything will turn out fine but right now I’m scared, I’m worried, and I just want to cry into H’s shoulder and squeeze J because if I didn’t have both of those two people I’d completely break. Thanks to whoever brought them to me.

Until I can get home, I’ll just listen to Radiohead’s Bulletproof and wait for this day to end so I can do it all over again tomorrow.


2 Responses

  1. I love you.

  2. Girl your a strong, intelligent, talented and wonderful woman! AND MOM…and prolly wife too 😛 Your gonna get the logistics pos and then you and Jessie can laugh when you see me running across the street 🙂 your too good of a person to be shit on …your position being eliminated is a HUGE blessing in disguise!

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