Life marches on in a never ending parade of *screeeeeeeeeeeeeech*

Sorry for that abrupt needle being dragged across a record sound but I was starting to punch myself in the throat.

Let me start again.

A bunch of shit happens every day and I’ve been a bit on the sloppy side of writing it all down. Here are some highlights of the past month:

A Bathroom, A Fireplace and A Wedding

About a month ago, my husband turned 29 (OLD!!!) and I threw him a party, because I’m an awesome wife. I enlisted the help of Jessie, because she’s an awesome friend, and together we made food (with the help of our other friend, Jason), made drinks and served our friends food and drinks all night. It was grand fun and this is the only picture I have of that night:

Really wish I had more pics of everyone because we were all dressed up and looking sharp but, alas, we were too busy serving everyone and then helping them drink all the booze (so as not to waste it. We’re in a recession, people!) to take many.

In preperation of that night, I created a menu:

Melt-In-Your-Mouth Cheddar Cheese Boxes

Steak Bites (Because I love my husband, yes, I made him steak)

Jalapeno Poppets

Bruschetta with Peach Salsa and Melted Brie

The Bruschetta didn’t turn out because I cannot use a broiler. Can someone please help me with this? I turned the dial thing to “Broil” and stuck the sheet in the bottom drawer thing. 2 minutes later: slices of baguette with brie BURNT to a crisp. It was sad. But not all was lost. Two wonderful guests went out and bought some tortilla chips and I cut up the rest of the brie and we just ate brie on the rest of the baguette and ate the salsa with the chips. I was pretty sad about not getting to eat the fancy bruschetta and once I figure out where the heck the broiler is, I’ll try that recipe again.

The cheese boxes are….AWESOME. They’re like bite size garlic cheesey bread. Time consuming to make and oh-so-greasy but SO GOOD!!

Now, the Jalapeno Poppets are such a neat concept. We won’t get into my husband’s dental problems but because of them, he has a hard time eating traditional jalapeno poppers. When I found this recipe on Tasty Kitchen, I had to try them. These were about as time consuming as the cheese boxes but if you have a friend named Jason to help you with both, the prep time will be greatly reduced.

Here’s the thing, though: Not only do I not know where the broiler is, but I’m also afraid of deep frying anything. It’s a combination of “Hot Freaking Grease” and “Grease Not Being Freaking Hot Enough and Not Cooking the Food thus Turning It Into a Mushy Gross Thing No One Will Eat”. I figured I would cross the Deep Frying Bridge when I came to it. Here’s how I crossed it:

Me: “*whine* grease *whimper* burning * Deep fry* cry*”

Jessie: “Can’t you bake them?”

Me: ears perking up “Bake them? Can we do that? Will they still get crispy and golden?” (Yes, for these 3 seconds I forgot what an oven actually does.)

• Poured a glass of chilled white wine.
• Popped Disc 1 of Wicked: Unabridged Audiobook into my laptop
• Filled a ramiken halfway with cool tap water
• Lined a cookie sheet with wax paper

Assemble wontons thusly-

• Lay 1 won ton wrap on a dinner plate.
• Spoon 1 teaspoon of cream cheese in the middle of the won ton
• Dip finger in water and trace along the edges of the won ton
• Fold one end up to meet the other and press sides together firmly to seal completely. (I did triangles this time because I was feeling kooky)
• Place filled won ton on the wax paper.
• Repeat until either the cream cheese or the wraps or the wine is gone.

Jonas got to participate in trick or treating, or at least he could walk a tiny bit to give his poor parents’ and god-mother’s aching backs a break.

Both my nephew and my daughter seemed “braver” this year. Or maybe less people brought out the “Dead People” decor. Either way, the kids had a ton of fun and only one or two “I don’t like that” moments.

And, in the true spirit of Halloween, we had the babies kiss each other:

After all the trick or treating, The Js and The Ms went back to our house where we sorted candy, put the kids to bed, drank, played games and discovered Jaden had not only snuck a piece of candy but also squeezed (squoze?) an entire bottle of shampoo into the toilet. We decided to deal with that in the morning, which we did albeit a titch under the weather.

Because of the punishment we put in place, we have had more candy than she has these last few days. It’s for her health, really.

I know you’re on the edge of your seat and your fingernails have been worn down to the painful under-layer due to the Hitchcock-like anticipation of The Furnace Issues. Pull the hands away from the mouth. In short: Ducts are getting cleaned this afternoon and the new furnace (and humidifier and basement cold-air exchange) will be installed tomorrow. Yes, you are correct, we’ve not had a working heater, well for a long time apparently but it hasn’t been on at all for a week. Not to fear though because between the fireplace and the complimentary space heaters The Gas Company provided, we haven’t been too cold. Lots of sweaters and slippers for me and trying to force the kids to wear sweaters and pants but giving up yesterday and letting them both run wild in their skivvies for awhile.

Let’s put all that behind us for now. For today I feel like checking in and giving an update on the new vegetarian lifestyle I’ve switched my family to.

Lucky you!

**********

The diet change has been the easy part: no meat. Pretty straight forward. Plus, dicing vegetables is so much easier than cutting up meat into cubes, there’s no “mystery” in a bag of carrot sticks compared to a package of lunch meat (save the many invisible pesticides I’m choosing to not think about right now because, by the gods, I’m only one person and it’s too much to think about right now), the variety of produce combinations is virtually endless (and easy!) (and cheap!) versus three types of meat (pricey!) and (ok, many more types of) seafood (pricey!) whose recipes are, frankly, terrifying what with all the undercooked meat warnings on everything.

Hold me, I need a blankey just thinking about it all.

So, diet: Check!

*************

Getting the family over to the new diet has been easier than I thought. For the most part, we are meat free. I am 100% meat free (save a half-bite of steak on Matt’s birthday which reaffirmed my not-missing-meatness), Jonas and Jaden get meat at their grandmother’s house at lunch sometimes. Jaden hasn’t requested meat other than chicken nuggets and hotdogs. I cheat by giving her “Morningstar Farms Chik’n Nuggets” and not stocking hotdogs in the house. She’s more of a cheese and peanut butter kind of gal, anyway. Jonas is too young to have an opinion other than “Yes, food is great!” Matt eats whatever I make; if he wants meat, he makes it on the side or will eat it over lunch. I told him from the beginning, “This is MY choice and while I’d love you to come with me, you are free to eat whatever you want.” He’s been wonderfully supportive and I don’t think know I couldn’t have done this without him. My friends and family have been great with their “menu suggestions and accommodations” at a high and “meat-eating persuading” at a low.

Family Conversion: Check!

Awesome Family and Friends: Check!

********************************

One thing I only sort of prepared for: defensiveness. It hasn’t been bad and I’ve only had to really defend my choice to the Taco Bell guy and my mom. But I feel compelled to defend it. At first it was just, “I’m a semi-vegetarian meaning I’ll eat meat if I know where it came from i.e. small farm, no antibiotics, nice friendly environment for the animals.” Then I realized that was the stupidest thing in the world to say. “I’ll only eat happy animals? The fuck?” But somehow, people seemed more accepting of the “I want to know what’s in the meat I eat” than “I don’t want to eat animals. Because they have brains. And I’m pretty sure those brains are connected to nerves. And those nerves? Don’t like being killed.”

Honestly? If I knew where the animals I ate came from? I sooooo couldn’t eat them. I’d go take picture of them and name them and tie little bows on their tails. Well, their necks for chickens, but lose enough so they wouldn’t strangle or anything. 

Here’s the thing: I never wanted to become one of those Preachy Vegetarians that people hate. Here’s the New Thing: I’m not Preachy but I don’t think I should have to defend my Bean Taco to the high schooler behind the Taco Bell counter. So I’m not. I’m a vegetarian because I don’t want to eat animals. Plain and simple (also the health aspects yada yada yada but that all went out the window when I discovered the aforementioned “bean taco”.).

Defensiveness: On-going.

***************************’

What’s been really “fun” is seeing how Meat Heavy our culture is. For example, while looking for pictures of “happy animals wearing bows” Jessie typed in “Happy chicken” and saw this as a google image result 

Does anyone else see how very very wrong that is?

Vegetarian menu items at restaurants are pretty scarce and, yes, finding stuffing or other dry mix without chicken stock in it is still damn near impossible without going to Whole Foods or Trader Joe’s or something.

There are currently 307,810,936 or so people living in the United States. According to a 2008 Vegetarian Times Study, 7.3 Million Americans Are Vegetarians. Think about all the chickens and cows and pigs and sheep have to be raised and then killed to feed the other 300 MILLION people their daily intake of meat. Think about all the land being used just to raise meat. Think about the land being used to grow sub-par grain to feed those animals. I can’t get past all of the chickens that need to be raised and killed just for fast food chicken sandwiches alone. Doesn’t it squeak you out a little bit, too?

And don’t get me started on dairy and eggs. I’m not ready to make the switch to vegan but don’t think I don’t think about thin egg shells and bloody udders. I’m taking steps, little steps but steps in the right direction nonetheless.

Guilt and Squeeked Out: Check!

*********************

This past weekend Jaden and I were talking about farms and animals. Nothing serious, just animals she’s seen at “the farm” at the zoo. Anxiety started to twist my stomach up a little bit because I keep waiting for her to make the connection between the chickens she sees at the zoo and the chicken she eats in nugget form sometimes. I never made a big announcement to Jaden about how we’re not going to eat meat anymore or the reasons behind the sudden lack of animal protein on the table. She’s never asked, either. That’s just Jaden: go with the flow, whatever’s clever, etc.

I don’t know why I’m so wary about telling her “where meat comes from”. It’s right up there with “where babies come from” but, y’know, worse because we don’t eat babies, do we? You’d think I would know better. I always write on this here blog that Jaden’s easy going when it comes to The Big Stuff but I tend to forget all about that in my panic and worry and anxiety of preparing for The Big Talks.

This time I ignored the twist in my stomach and said simply, “Hey, Jaden, you know bacon and hamburgers and chicken nuggets?”

“Yeah!”

“Well, that all comes from pigs and cows and chickens. Like you saw at the farm.”

“What?” her voice tilting at the end in disbelief.

“Yup,” I assured her, “It’s true. That’s why I don’t eat those—“

“That is so silly!” She laughed(!) “People eat pigs and cows? That is so silly, mommy!”

“Yeah, it kind of is.” I hugged her with one arm as she sat next to me on the couch and thought that maybe Jaden understands vegetarianism more than most adults.

Underestimating My Kid: Check!

**************************

On that happy note, I leave you with this recipe. It’s my favorite way to eat mashed potatoes. The only difference I make is I mix some shredded cheese in with the potatoes as well as sprinkling some on top. Oh, and I add some pepper as well. I think that’s it. It’s super awesome yummy fun times and I’m making it for Pre-Trick-or-Treating Dinner. Can’t wait!

Last night, Matt and I watched Mad Men (finally, yes, we are the last people on earth to see this show). So far, it’s pretty good but has some unforeseen consequences:

Me: “So, Matt, sweetie, when were you going to take care of that giant pile of clothes on your night stand?”

Matt: “What, you didn’t put my clothes away?  What’s wrong with you, woman?”

Me: *a look*

Matt: “I’m sorry. You’ll have to excuse any misogynistic tendencies I may have after that show.”

Me: “That’s ok. I now want to set my hair at night and wear pretty dresses all the time!”

While discussing the nuances of the show (“Men need to wear ties and vests more often.” “I really want a cigar or something right now.”) Matt suddenly held up his hand in the universal, “Shut up and listen” gesture. So I shut up and listened but didn’t hear anything. “What?” I asked. “Do you smell that?” he asked. I sniffed but didn’t smell anything. He seemed genuinely concerned so I got out of the comfy bed and walked with him around the house smelling and yes, I smelled something…burning. Matt later likened it to the smell of a hair dryer that’s sat in a drawer for a long time suddenly turned on full force. You know what I’m talking about: that burning dust smell.

After we both checked first the kids’ rooms and then the rest of the upstairs, he went downstairs to check out the furnace while I looked at the thermostat. I turned down the thermostat from 70 to 69 (I was helping! YAY!). And that’s when I realized what my subconscious had noticed all day: the furnace had been turning on in 30 second bursts then shutting off for a minute or so before kicking in again for another 30 seconds. (Side note: it’s amazing how used to all that back ground noise we First Worlders become. Kinda eats away at our survival instinct.) I switched the thermostat from “auto” to “on” so it would just stay on instead of turning off and on at the programmed times. This seemed to stop that problem.

Later I would think this was a HUGE mistake.

Matt came back upstairs and said he didn’t see anything obviously wrong. The smell was gone but he still looked concerned, as was I. “Should I call the gas company tomorrow and have them come check it out?” Matt agreed and we went to bed.

Around 9 this morning I called up Centerpoint. I’ll admit my attitude was more that of, “I told Matt I’d call and it’s part of the plan we pay for so why not.?” than one of genuine concern. They were able to send out a repair guy this evening between 4 and midnight. “Ok, sure, just call before they come over to make sure we’re home.”

The guy called at 3:45. We weren’t home. BUT! MIL lives 5 blocks away so I called her up and she and the kids met the repair guy. I thought nothing more about it until the drive home.

I was about 10 minutes away when I thought I’d check in and see how everyone was doing and ask if Matt could give Jonas a bath before dinner. “Is the guy still there?” I asked before hanging up.

“No, he’s gone.” Matt said with a sigh.

“And…?”

“Well,” Matt hesitated.

“Oh god, is it that bad?” I asked, little cartoon dollar signs popping up all around my head.

“Yeah.”

“Mother fucking shit!” Visions of New Zealand deflating like a punctured balloon.

“We’re lucky to be alive.”

“WHAT?”

“I’ll tell you the rest when you get home.”

Fuck, shit, poop, scuzzlebutt. I cursed all the way home.

Here is the story that was revealed to me:

Our furnace is nearly 50 years old. (No, we did not know this. We knew it was old, but not that old.) The main vent thing had stopped working and was starting to rust. The other vent thing was working over time to compensate for the main one and, in the process, was burning all of the rust from the other one. Because of the all the rust and burning, everything had opened up inside and so the flame was no longer properly contained and was much bigger than it should be.

That smell? While not exactly Carbon Monoxide, was the source of carbon monoxide.

That flame? Was dangerously close to the gas valve.

One of these two scenarios could have happened at any time:

1) Some part that was already badly corroded could have completely corroded away and the house would’ve filled with carbon monoxide within an hour. Family: Dead.

2) The larger-than-normal-flame could’ve hit the gas valve causing the furnace to explode and the house along with it. At the least: House Gone, cats dead. At the worst: Family: Dead.

The furnace is, in a word, Condemned. We were given two options: 1) They could come back and clean out all the rust and crap from the furnace but we could be right back where we are in a week, a month, who knows? or 2) We get a new furnace.

P.S. The guy who put in our air conditioning did a really crappy job and so our a/c isn’t nearly as efficient as it should be.

The sales guy’s coming out in the morning and we’re going to buy a new furnace. The “cheap” model is roughly $2,500. On the plus side, Obama has a bunch of tax rebates out there for new “green” furnaces that we can turn around and put towards the bill and the gas company has payment plans including no interest if we pay it off in a year. Also, they have these heater+central air units that will take care of both problems (shit, if we’re going to be paying more than we can afford anyway, might as well go for broke, right?). With the new furnace, our house will heat 3 times faster at a third of the cost. So, over all, this will save us money.

And, y’know, we won’t die from an exploding furnace or slowly suffocate in our sleep in the near future which is kind of cool, too.

Tonight, and this weekend, we’re bundling up and utilizing our fire place a few weeks sooner than we thought but hey, fireplaces are romantic, right? It really could be so much worse (middle of January, no fire place, no home) so we’re not complaining.

Moral: Please please please, if you live in an older house (more than 10 years), have the gas company come check out your furnace. It should be part of your regular plan and shouldn’t cost you anything. Even if it does cost a little extra, it really could end up costing you more than you’d ever be willing to pay.